TED* Thoughts

The genesis of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) ™ stems from my own experience of personally working with a psychotherapist years ago who introduced me to the Karpman Drama Triangle, which in The Power of TED* is referred to as the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) ™. 

Dr. Karpman was an early student of psychiatrist Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis (commonly referred to as TA).  One of Berne’s and TA’s central ideas is that of “ego states,” as described on the International Transactional Analysis Association website:

“Eric Berne made complex interpersonal transactions understandable when he recognized that the human personality is made up of three ‘ego states’. Each ego state is an entire system of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors from which we interact with one another. The Parent, Adult and Child ego states and the interaction between them form the foundation of transactional analysis theory. These concepts have spread into many areas of therapy, education, and consulting as practiced today.”

The past few weeks, the basic model of the Parent, Child, Adult interactions has arisen in several coaching and training conversations.

The DDT (Karpman’s Drama Triangle) is made up of the three roles of Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer in an often toxic set of interactions that almost always engage the Parent-Child interaction.  A Victim reacts from the Child ego state to the Persecutor-as-Parent.  When one intervenes as a Rescuer in the drama, it is also usually from the ego state of Parent, stepping in to fix or take care of the Victim.

TED* and its roles of Creator, Challenger and Coach serve as an antidote to the DDT.  The interactions that occur between these roles all access, and are based in, Adult-to-Adult ego states.  A Challenger, whose contribution is on being a catalyst for learning, sees those with whom they interact as a Creator in their own right. The Coach role offers support by seeing the other also as a Creator who is ultimately capable and resourceful.  A Challenger and a Coach approach their relationship with a Creator as an Adult ego state.

I am grateful to have learned about the Drama Triangle and the TA ego states as a way of understanding the patterns of interactions I had with others.  I am equally grateful for the birth of TED* as a way of understanding how to grow into more resourceful relationships with others that are Adult-to-Adult in nature.

(I had the privilege and pleasure of spending an afternoon with Dr. Stephen Karpman a couple of years ago. To see a video of part of our conversation, click here.)

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Anyone who has traveled on London’s Underground subway has seen the ubiquitous “Mind the Gap” signs.  It is a reminder to stay aware of the gap between the edge of the passenger platform and the opening to the subway car door.  Being mindful of the gap, travelers know to remain aware as they take their step.

There is another gap that calls for our mindfulness – and is the place in which, in the words of The Power of TED*, shift happens.  It is the “choice point.”

This gap has arisen in a couple of conversations over the past several weeks. The first was with Enid Moulder, managing director of the UK’s Harmony Partnership.  The second took place just a few days ago with Donna Zajonc, TED’s director of coaching and practitioner services (and my wife).

In the conversation with Enid, we were exploring how TED helps equip individuals to be mindful when facing a choice point.  She often makes the connection between TED and Stephen R. Covey’s “Proactive Model” and his observation that between stimulus and response there is a gap in which we have the freedom of choice – that is the choice point.

When we experience an unpleasant person, condition or circumstance (the stimulus), we can either react from the Victim Orientation or choose to respond from a Creator Orientation. We can react in one of the roles of the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) ™ of Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer, OR we can make shift happen into the more empowered and resourceful TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) ™ roles of Creator, Challenger or Coach.

We have that capacity to choose – if we “mind the gap.”

The challenge is that the gap for choice, I learned from Donna, happens blindingly fast.  She had just returned from one of Portland State University’s classes in Interpersonal Neurobiology – part of a series she is studying and applying to the TED work.  The class topic was on mindfulness.  The instructor cited the research of neurophysiologist Benjamin Libet in the 1980’s that indicates that the gap between stimulus and reaction/response may be as little as .03 seconds (that is 300 milliseconds!).

It is in that blink-of-an-eye that we have the chance to catch ourselves and become aware that we have the freedom to make a choice in that moment.  Upon becoming aware of the opportunity to choose, we can slow down and consciously determine how we will respond.  As a Creator, we must be diligent to mind the gap between stimulus and response before we choose and take our next step.

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

I’ve been putting off writing this blog for too long.  Or is it that I have been patient?  Sometimes there is a fine line between the two.

The idea of this topic first arose several weeks ago.  Then a great suggestion for A Challenger Practice came along, followed by the July 4^th US holiday’s Declaration of Interdependence and, then, last week the space shuttle launch brought to mind Creating the Impossible.  So now the time has come – it’s ripe.

The tension between patience and procrastination is one that we face as a Creator. 

Lord knows I can put things off.  I can think of several projects around the house that await my moving beyond procrastination.  One of these days…

On the other hand, the practice of patience is a discipline that can be central to the process of creating.  Right timing can make a huge difference between taking a baby step that forwards progress and acting too quickly in ways that result in moving away from an intended outcome. 

Think of a gardener tending their rosebushes.  To procrastinate watering or pruning may mean that the rose never buds, let alone blooms.  On the other hand, to be impatient when the bud appears and to pry the bud open to hasten its blossom will only kill it before its time.

The best gardeners are both proactive and patient – and savor the results of their tending and waiting.  And we are all gardeners in our own ways.

The definition of patience is, in itself, a great reminder.  Patience is “the capacity for waiting: the ability to endure waiting, delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset, or to persevere calmly when faces with difficulties.” 

When it comes to patience, all I can do is practice, practice, practice.  But it is a discipline around which I choose not to procrastinate. 

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Last week the focus was on “reactive strategies,” that are rooted in the Victim Orientation and engage the (DDT) Dreaded Drama Triangle™.  There IS an alternative:

The situation is tense at work or at home.  You are overwhelmed with all that you have on your plate to do.  An important colleague or one of your family members comes to you with an urgent request that you had not anticipated.  How could you respond to this from TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)™?

As a Creator, focusing on the outcomes we are committed to is paramount.  At the same time, we respond to the other as a Creator in their own right, capable and resourceful in accomplishing the outcomes to which they are committed.  In speaking to outcomes, while being supportive, we might say: “I know your request is important.  However, I have commitments that I need to focus on right now that are important for me to complete.  I am willing to take 5-10 minutes to help you brainstorm how to get your needs met.”

A Challenger may see the situation that the other has brought to them as an opportunity for learning and growth.  Again, it would be important to see them as a Creator in their own right, responsible for the situation at hand.  “I cannot take the time right now to help you.  If you could have given me some advance warning, I would have been happy to help or to work it into my other commitments.  In the future, I would appreciate more lead time. I am willing to take 5-10 minutes now, though, to help you brainstorm how to get your needs met.”  Tone-of-voice is critical here and the goal is not to make them feel bad or make them “wrong,” but to offer a perspective that can lead to learning.

Such situations arise all the time for us – they are part of the human experience.  When they happen, we can cultivate the capability to RESPOND, rather than react.  As a Creator, Challenger and/or Coach, we have a range of empowering and co-creative responsive strategies available to us.  All we need do is create them!  As we cultivate and grow into this way of being, we develop new, more resourceful and effective strategies for choosing our response to situations as they arise.

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*]. Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Cultivating TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) ™ in our relationships with others calls us to develop one of life’s “easier said than done” perspectives: seeing everyone we encounter as a Creator. The roles of Creator, Challenger and Coach are all centered in the acknowledgement that everyone has the capacity to choose their response to their circumstances and envision and choose outcomes to create in their lives. 

Relating to others as a Creator is relatively easy when they, too, are seeking to live their lives more consistently from a Creator Orientation and, perhaps, share the language and frameworks of TED*.  But, what if someone you encounter is playing one or more of the roles of Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer, which make up the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) ™? Even worse, what if the other is being a “jerk?”  How do we see the other then? That’s the “test!”

First and foremost, in situations like that, we can see the other as a Challenger to ourselves to hone our own ability as a Creator to see the Creator in them.  It also is a great opportunity to practice compassion.

Mark R. Jones, CEO of the Integral Wellness Group, offers a practice that is a great framework for developing compassion and seeing others as a Creator.  Mark had the opportunity years ago to meet with the Dalai Lama and, in that conversation, asked him for advice on how to teach peace in the world.  The Dalai Lama responded that all people want and need three things: to be Heard, Seen, and Loved (HSL). Mark calls this the HSL (or “Hizzle”) Practice.

The key to this practice is in being fully present with the other in a way that is non-judgmental and meets them where they are.

One feels heard when we can feed back to them the content or essence of their perspective or what they are saying.  To do this, it helps tremendously to be able to listen for understanding and to realize that we can hear someone – even if we disagree with their stand or perspective.  It’s as simple as saying to the other “here’s what I hear you saying;” feeding back a summary of what they said; and asking “did I understand you correctly?”

One knows they are seen when we give them our undivided attention – if only in that particular moment.  While we might encounter the other in a role they play in the world – be that a clerk, or a co-worker, or a customer/client, or a loved one – to respond to them in a way as a person (rather than just a role), they inherently feel seen as a Creator.

We feel loved when someone gives us the gift of their presence – especially through being heard and seen (there is a purposeful order to HSL!).  I heard a distinction a number of years ago that has been extremely helpful at times: I can love you even if, in a particular moment, I do not like you because of what you are doing or how you are showing up!

Which brings us back to the challenge of seeing someone who we do not particularly like in an interaction as a Creator.  They may not see themselves as a Creator.  It may not be possible or even appropriate for you to explicitly call attention to their capacity to be a Creator.  But as a Creator yourself, you have the ability to choose to respond to them in that moment as one Creator interacting with another.

Even if they act as a Victim, they are a Creator. Even if they act as a Rescuer, they are a Creator.  Even if they act as a Persecutor, they are a Creator. All you have to do is hear them, see them, and love them. The more you make this a conscious practice, the more you will find that they respond to you in kind – eventually!

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!