TED* Thoughts

It must be Jennifer Waldron week here on “TED* Thoughts!”  Last night, she sent an email (thanks!) with the link to a most inspiring video of Nick Vujicic – which has been making its way around the internet.  (Only watch it when you can both laugh and cry!)

It reminds me of a quote included in The Power of TED*: “What determines your destiny is not the hand you’re dealt, but how you play the hand.”

Nick clearly faces the lifelong Challenger of the physical “hand” he was dealt and could have easily “folded” and legitimately lived out his life as a Victim and from the Victim Orientation.  Instead, he clearly has responded as a Creator and inspired adopting a Creator Orientation in others!

Many of us are holding and facing less-than-ideal “hands we’ve been dealt” these days.  Whether it is effects if the economy; health challenges; relationship challenges; or whatever – how we play the hand depends on how we play life.  Is it Victim or Creator?

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Shortly before the original publication of the first edition of The Power of TED*, I learned about the “other TED.” (Actually, at the time, there were two others – one was the ill-fated discount airline carrier of United Airlines.)

The other TED is absolutely awesome!

TED is an acronym for Technology, Entertainment and Design, which started as an annual conference for leading-edge thinkers in those three areas – and beyond – way back in 1984! Its’ tag line is “ideas worth spreading.”

While I have not had the opportunity to attend one of these premier conferences (though I know a number of individuals who have), I have taken the time to view a wide range of videos that are posted on their site.

One of my favorites – and a favorite of many (over 1.25 million views on YouTube alone!) – is Jean Bolte Taylor’s “Stroke of Insight.”  Her story is both fascinating and a supreme example of one who could have easily reacted to her experience as a Victim, yet was clearly in a Creator Orientation (and a scientist mindset), who learned from the Challenger that was her stroke.

Jean – and TED – reminds us that sharing our stories, our insights, and our “ideas worth spreading” is what being Co-Creators is all about!

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

 This past weekend, I found myself thinking about Jennifer’s comment on last week’s “TED* Behind Bars” post – especially her statement about “my own personal prison.” 

Over and over, I have seen this in my own life and in my coaching of others.  It is especially true for those of us whose primary role in the Dreaded Drama Triangle is that of Rescuer. 

How many times have leaders/managers complained about how overworked and out of work-life balance they are?  Way too many!  As we explore deeper, it is often the case that the have become prisoners (or Victims) of their own making by becoming the “go to person” or “chief fire fighter” or just the “expert” who has seen it all and knows it all.  Over time, the system becomes dependent on their playing the Rescuer (or hero) with all the answers by their employees and/or others they work around.

During this exploration, I will ask what the hoped-for payoff is for being the Rescuer, which is often connected to being seen as important, helpful or (again) the hero.   Then we look at the unintended consequences of playing this role.  This is where they come to see how they have bred dependency – and with everyone now dependent upon them, the pressures and weight of always having to be there becomes their “own personal prison.”

The way to escape this particular prison is to shift into the Coach role of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) and to be helpful in facilitating others’ clarification and discernment of how to respond to situations and create their own outcomes. (For more on this, see last month’s “TED* Letter” newsletter). 

BTW, this is also true in family dynamics.  Being the “fixer of others” can become another context for constructing our “own personal prison.”

 Thanks, Jennifer, for the provocative (Challenger) comments!

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 ”TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Last week, a conversation during a consulting engagement involved the expressed need to “create a sense of urgency” for implementing change.  The nature of urgency is something that I have thought a lot about over the years and I shared my perspective with my clients.

As I do with virtually every coaching or consulting situation, I had already shared the Problem and Outcome orientations, which are referred to as the Victim Orientation and Creator Orientation in The Power of TED*. 

The Problem/Victim mindset is a problem-focused; anxiety-based and reactive way of being.  Alternatively, the Outcome/Creator Orientation is outcome-focused; passion-motivated and creative.

Years ago, while conducting a leadership development program, a conversation ensued about the place of urgency in the orientations.  My initial response was to connect urgency to anxiety, since there is very often a sense of urgency to react to the problems that elicit that emotional response.  Someone in the group then asked whether urgency could also exist in the Outcome Orientation.

That question served as a Challenger to my assumption that urgency and anxiety were synonymous. 

Over several months, I mulled over that question from time-to-time.  Then one day it occurred to me that it might be wise to actually look up the word “urgency” is the dictionary.  The resolution to my dilemma was found in the root word of “urgency,” which is the word “urge,” as in the urge to create!

The insight for me was that urgency can be either anxiety or passion based. 

In sharing that perspective with my clients, I asked which quality of urgency they wanted to foster.  Anxiety-based urgency leads to reactivity, but rarely – if ever – results in sustainable change.  The sense of urgency to create an envisioned outcome about which we care passionately has a much higher probability of leading to sustainable change and manifested outcomes.

Of course, they chose passion…

When you experience urgency, where is it usually rooted: in anxiety or passion?

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

This weekend, Donna, her children, their partners and I will be hiking and camping along the Washington Pacific coast and into the Hoh Rainforest.  This is an outing that she has envisioned over the past year as a way of celebrating a certain significant birthday of hers that is coming up next month (I will not mention which decade she ventures into, but it is definitely a milestone).

What inspires me about her choice is that she is meeting the Challenger of aging – as all of us who comprise the Baby Boomer cohort are – as a time to learn, grow and test limits.  Rather than seeing age as a Persecutor, she welcomes with grace the realities of effects if time, while reaching for new ways to create health and wellness and vitality.

Happy Birthday (soon), Sweetie – let’s take a hike! (And thanks for the inspiration!)

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 “TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

(This is another of the occasion contributions of Kathy Haskin – a member of Team TED* and Creator oriented [most of the time] parent of three marvelous teens.  Thanks, Kathy!)

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Everyone remembers family vacations, those shared times stored in our memories forever.  Feeling that pressure to make this year’s vacation memorable, I turned to our teenage son as we packed for our nine days in sunny California, “Please let’s get along and enjoy this week as much as we can.”

“I’ll have a good attitude if you do…” his response was simple and direct to the point.  This wasn’t really a statement of accountability, but rather an observation on how we as a family tend to interact. 

Our family dynamics can be reactive (this is a serious understatement).  There is no changing the react and response interactions within our relationships.  However, during our active days on this vacation, I grew to appreciate that this reactivity can be harnessed and turned to creativity if each of us is reacting and responding from a Creator Orientation. 

Reactivity is part of our reality.  However during this vacation I found that when I, as a parent, reacted as a Creator, Coach or Challenger, the response I often received from our teenagers encouraged other outcome-oriented approaches.  Rather than building tension, which often happens when one of us reacts from a role within the Drama Triangle, we built creativity and a great family experience by bringing TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) along on this vacation. 

For me, it came down to considering what was behind the complaint or reaction.  It is important to take that second to recognize that “why do we have to eat Mexican food again?!” was not a reflection on the menu choice, but rather a call out to be part of the decision as we head toward our next meal.  My next step should have been to ask “what is it you really want?” 

Asking a question, looking further at the actual reasoning behind the complaint, often kept me in an empowerment dynamic role and away from a drama role.  Of course come complaints have more obvious sources.  “This sand is HOT!” was true and a reflection of the intense sun in California.  Just kick away the top layer of hot sand and you have a place to stand. However “this line is taking forever!” turned out to be our daughter’s fear that we would not have time to see everything at Sea World.  Once we realized what was behind her complaint, reassurance that there was plenty of time in the day helped us all escape the impending drama.  It doesn’t hurt to ask, either aloud or in your mind, “What do they want?”  This repeatedly kept me in the right place to respond well. 

Yes, nine days delivered some drama with two parents and three teens together at all times.  But it was the times that we were truly enjoying and creating together that I will remember for a very long time (long after this sunburn fades).    Pack wisely on your next family vacation.  Don’t forget to chose the right TED* responses, along with the proper sunscreen. 

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Do you know that you can translate a message in Outlook with a few clicks of your computer mouse?  We didn’t, until a couple days ago when we received a message that was written in Swedish.  Try as we might – and with only a distant memory of German from 2 years of study in high school – there was just no way to make out what the message was saying.  About all that was discernable was that it referred to some dates.

Then, quite by accident, a right click of the mouse showed an option to translate.  Lo and behold there is a way to translate from many different languages into other languages.  So we highlighted the message, set the options to translate from Swedish to English and – magic! – there in the right hand column appeared the message!  While it was not a perfect translation, enough was there to make it clear that it was an “auto-respond”, “out of office” message.  It was generated upon receipt of the July, 2009 issue of the “TED* Letter.” (“Addicted to Drama – Part II”).

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could so simply “translate” the thoughts and intentions that drive the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) easily into expressions of The Empowerment Dynamic (TED)?  Perhaps if we listen deeply to someone who is reacting as a Victim, we can translate their complaint into an understanding of their deeper commitment and to what they care most about as a Creator.  Maybe, when one turns to us as a Rescuer and wants us to “fix” them, we could translate that desire for solutions by becoming a Coach and helping them find their own way – with our support.  Perhaps a Persecutor could translate the intention behind their challenge by speaking to the learning they are hoping to spark – thus becoming a conscious constructive Challenger.

With practice – LOTS of practice – we can grow into translators for ourselves and others as we learn to speak more fluently the language of TED*.

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 “TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

We are a problem-focused culture – and probably planet.  Just one look or listen of the news brings a litany of the daily blues and Challengers of the world.

One everyday example of our problem-centric mindset is the emergence over the past decade or so of the response of “No problem” that we often get when we thank someone.  (This may be an idiom particular to the particularly U.S.  – I really am not certain.)

The next time you are in a restaurant or the grocery or somewhere you are being “served,” notice what the response is when you say “thank you.”  There is a better-than-even chance that you will hear “no problem” at least as often “you’re welcome” (or some other affirming response).

Why do I have a problem with “no problem?”  Only that the language subtly reinforces the problem-focused Victim Orientation.  It keeps us psychological interacting around what we don’t want, which is a problem.

From a Creator Orientation, it seems to me that, in additional to the traditional “you’re welcome,” something that reinforces a positive outcome is in order (after all, we are thanking the other because of a positive outcome).  Responses like “glad you like it” or “happy to” or “it’s my pleasure” keeps the focus on what we want and like.

In the coming days, pay attention to how you respond when people say “thanks” to you and respond in the affirmative.  The subtle ways we use language can really influence the course of an interaction or conversation.

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

(People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.)

7.      End of the Day of Reflection

Finally, at the end of the day, take at least 10 minutes to reflect back on the day. You may choose to do this while flossing, brushing your teeth and preparing for bed.

Better yet, sit in a chair in a quiet room for 10 minutes.

Replay the day in much the same way as the every-two-hour-time-out.  Ask yourself the following questions:

• Looking back, when were you operating from the problem-focused Victim Orientation and when were you centered in the Creator Orientation? 
• What were your successes – what went well?  What did you do that supports your intention to live more consistently as a Creator?
• What roles did you take on in the course of the day?
• When you fell into a Dreaded Drama Triangle role, if you could declare a “do over,” how might you have made the shift into the corresponding more empowered and resourceful TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) role?
• If you were reacted as a Victim, how could you have shifted into a Creator and chosen a different response?  If Persecutor, how might you have stepped up as a Challenger?  And if a Rescuer, how could you have served, instead, as a Coach?
• What were the lessons learned from the day?

As you review the day, don’t judgethe day or yourself as good or bad – just discern where you are and how you might continue to grow. Then let the day go, know that you will begin tomorrow by refocusing on the outcomes you want to create in your life.

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.

5.      Check Your Intention 

This is at the heart of becoming a conscious, constructive, and effective Challenger.  Ask yourself:  Is my intention to look good or to further learning and development?  This requires an honest assessment and “internal integrity.”  If you check within and determine that the challenge you feel compelled to communicate is in order for you to look good/be right/pass judgment/ further your own agenda or in any way put the other down, the chances are great – if not guaranteed – that a challenge from this intention will place you in the eyes of the other as a Persecutor.  If that is the case, then “back down!”

However, if you can “look yourself in the mirror” and are clear that your intention is to further learning; to increase the Creator capacity and capability of the other; and to do so with respect and care – then that is the way of the Challenger.

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)