TED* Thoughts

 This past weekend, I found myself thinking about Jennifer’s comment on last week’s “TED* Behind Bars” post – especially her statement about “my own personal prison.” 

Over and over, I have seen this in my own life and in my coaching of others.  It is especially true for those of us whose primary role in the Dreaded Drama Triangle is that of Rescuer. 

How many times have leaders/managers complained about how overworked and out of work-life balance they are?  Way too many!  As we explore deeper, it is often the case that the have become prisoners (or Victims) of their own making by becoming the “go to person” or “chief fire fighter” or just the “expert” who has seen it all and knows it all.  Over time, the system becomes dependent on their playing the Rescuer (or hero) with all the answers by their employees and/or others they work around.

During this exploration, I will ask what the hoped-for payoff is for being the Rescuer, which is often connected to being seen as important, helpful or (again) the hero.   Then we look at the unintended consequences of playing this role.  This is where they come to see how they have bred dependency – and with everyone now dependent upon them, the pressures and weight of always having to be there becomes their “own personal prison.”

The way to escape this particular prison is to shift into the Coach role of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) and to be helpful in facilitating others’ clarification and discernment of how to respond to situations and create their own outcomes. (For more on this, see last month’s “TED* Letter” newsletter). 

BTW, this is also true in family dynamics.  Being the “fixer of others” can become another context for constructing our “own personal prison.”

 Thanks, Jennifer, for the provocative (Challenger) comments!

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 ”TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

This week I am again privileged to serve as a Coach in the University of Notre Dame’s Executive Integral Leadership Program.  This is the 8^th year for my involvement through my association with The Leadership Circle.  I will sit with 5 Executive MBA students to debrief their Leadership Circle Profile – a powerful 360-degree feedback tool in which they gain insight into how they are perceived as a leader by those around them.

Experience shows that many – if not most – will take in this feedback through the filter of the Victim (or Reactive) Orientation.  For them, the perspectives contained in the Profile will reveal a set of “problems to solve.”  As described in The Power of TED*, in this mindset we focus on problems, which engage our anxiety and causes us to react.  The reactions will range from defensiveness to anger to fear that they are not effective – and they will want to do action planning to “fix” the flaws they see.

There will also be a handful who take in this precious information as a Creator, filtered through the Creator (or Creative) Orientation.  For them, they will see the feedback as a “snapshot in time” of what lies in the waking of their leading.  This picture of current reality will provide perspective on their strengths and what supports their leading, as well as what is inhibiting their effectiveness.  They will want to action plan in ways that continue to leverage the strengths, as well as plan for “baby steps” to enhance their effectiveness.

When you receive feedback – invited or not – how to take it in and respond?  As a Creator, honestly and candidly understanding current reality is vital for planning for action.

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

(This is another of the occasion contributions of Kathy Haskin – a member of Team TED* and Creator oriented [most of the time] parent of three marvelous teens.  Thanks, Kathy!)

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Everyone remembers family vacations, those shared times stored in our memories forever.  Feeling that pressure to make this year’s vacation memorable, I turned to our teenage son as we packed for our nine days in sunny California, “Please let’s get along and enjoy this week as much as we can.”

“I’ll have a good attitude if you do…” his response was simple and direct to the point.  This wasn’t really a statement of accountability, but rather an observation on how we as a family tend to interact. 

Our family dynamics can be reactive (this is a serious understatement).  There is no changing the react and response interactions within our relationships.  However, during our active days on this vacation, I grew to appreciate that this reactivity can be harnessed and turned to creativity if each of us is reacting and responding from a Creator Orientation. 

Reactivity is part of our reality.  However during this vacation I found that when I, as a parent, reacted as a Creator, Coach or Challenger, the response I often received from our teenagers encouraged other outcome-oriented approaches.  Rather than building tension, which often happens when one of us reacts from a role within the Drama Triangle, we built creativity and a great family experience by bringing TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) along on this vacation. 

For me, it came down to considering what was behind the complaint or reaction.  It is important to take that second to recognize that “why do we have to eat Mexican food again?!” was not a reflection on the menu choice, but rather a call out to be part of the decision as we head toward our next meal.  My next step should have been to ask “what is it you really want?” 

Asking a question, looking further at the actual reasoning behind the complaint, often kept me in an empowerment dynamic role and away from a drama role.  Of course come complaints have more obvious sources.  “This sand is HOT!” was true and a reflection of the intense sun in California.  Just kick away the top layer of hot sand and you have a place to stand. However “this line is taking forever!” turned out to be our daughter’s fear that we would not have time to see everything at Sea World.  Once we realized what was behind her complaint, reassurance that there was plenty of time in the day helped us all escape the impending drama.  It doesn’t hurt to ask, either aloud or in your mind, “What do they want?”  This repeatedly kept me in the right place to respond well. 

Yes, nine days delivered some drama with two parents and three teens together at all times.  But it was the times that we were truly enjoying and creating together that I will remember for a very long time (long after this sunburn fades).    Pack wisely on your next family vacation.  Don’t forget to chose the right TED* responses, along with the proper sunscreen. 

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Do you know that you can translate a message in Outlook with a few clicks of your computer mouse?  We didn’t, until a couple days ago when we received a message that was written in Swedish.  Try as we might – and with only a distant memory of German from 2 years of study in high school – there was just no way to make out what the message was saying.  About all that was discernable was that it referred to some dates.

Then, quite by accident, a right click of the mouse showed an option to translate.  Lo and behold there is a way to translate from many different languages into other languages.  So we highlighted the message, set the options to translate from Swedish to English and – magic! – there in the right hand column appeared the message!  While it was not a perfect translation, enough was there to make it clear that it was an “auto-respond”, “out of office” message.  It was generated upon receipt of the July, 2009 issue of the “TED* Letter.” (“Addicted to Drama – Part II”).

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could so simply “translate” the thoughts and intentions that drive the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) easily into expressions of The Empowerment Dynamic (TED)?  Perhaps if we listen deeply to someone who is reacting as a Victim, we can translate their complaint into an understanding of their deeper commitment and to what they care most about as a Creator.  Maybe, when one turns to us as a Rescuer and wants us to “fix” them, we could translate that desire for solutions by becoming a Coach and helping them find their own way – with our support.  Perhaps a Persecutor could translate the intention behind their challenge by speaking to the learning they are hoping to spark – thus becoming a conscious constructive Challenger.

With practice – LOTS of practice – we can grow into translators for ourselves and others as we learn to speak more fluently the language of TED*.

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 “TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

(People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.)

7.      End of the Day of Reflection

Finally, at the end of the day, take at least 10 minutes to reflect back on the day. You may choose to do this while flossing, brushing your teeth and preparing for bed.

Better yet, sit in a chair in a quiet room for 10 minutes.

Replay the day in much the same way as the every-two-hour-time-out.  Ask yourself the following questions:

• Looking back, when were you operating from the problem-focused Victim Orientation and when were you centered in the Creator Orientation? 
• What were your successes – what went well?  What did you do that supports your intention to live more consistently as a Creator?
• What roles did you take on in the course of the day?
• When you fell into a Dreaded Drama Triangle role, if you could declare a “do over,” how might you have made the shift into the corresponding more empowered and resourceful TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) role?
• If you were reacted as a Victim, how could you have shifted into a Creator and chosen a different response?  If Persecutor, how might you have stepped up as a Challenger?  And if a Rescuer, how could you have served, instead, as a Coach?
• What were the lessons learned from the day?

As you review the day, don’t judgethe day or yourself as good or bad – just discern where you are and how you might continue to grow. Then let the day go, know that you will begin tomorrow by refocusing on the outcomes you want to create in your life.

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

This is an interlude in the series on the TED* 7 Daily Practices.  However, the fact that we in the United States celebrated Independence Day yesterday is a cause to pause and share a few thoughts related to its meaning – and how TED* makes the way for us all to declaration our Interdependence.

Stephen R. Covey, in his now classic The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, frames his habits along a “maturity continuum” that helps us evolve from a paradigm of Dependence through Independence and, eventually, into Interdependence.

The Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)http://www.powerofted.com/book.html helps facilitate movement along that continuum.  The Dreaded Dream Triangle (DDT) and its roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer are clearly rooted in the mindset of Dependence.

TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) helps us gain a “new center” of Independence by adopting a Creator Orientation from which to live a life focused on a sense of purpose and resourcefulness.  As we grow into TED* and develop the capabilities of the Creator, Challenger and Coach roles, they naturally progress into interacting with others and embodying the Interdependent paradigm as we collaborate with other Co-Creators.

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.

4.      Ask first, tell second

Many of us have a tendency to offer advice or to tell people what we think they should do.  That is the way of the Rescuer. In an attempt to fix, do for, or take care of another – however well intentioned it may be – a Rescuer is nearly always in a “tell” or “do” mode.   

“Asking first” anchors us in the role of Coach. A Coach asks good, genuinely inquisitive, and powerful questions that helps the other person (whom they see as a Creator) to clarify the following:

• outcomes they want to create;
• possible responses to a situation in which they find themselves;
• the current realities that support and/or inhibit their ability to achieve their outcome(s); and/or
• possible baby steps for moving forward.

By asking first and, then, if necessary offering suggestions or perspectives, we support the other as a Creator, holding them as capable and resourceful – whether they know it or not or whether they act like it or not.

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.

 3.      See everyone as a Creator

In every interaction remind yourself, “This person before me is a Creator.”

This is a foundational practice.  All three roles in the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) begin with the perspective that those with whom interact are Creators in their own right – whether they know it or not and whether they act like it or not.  When we see others as a Creator, it is reduces the likelihood of seeing them as a Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer.

As a Creator, we interact with others as Co-Creators in our personal, professional and community lives.

To be an effective, conscious and constructive Challenger of others, we act from an intention to spark learning and growth – and to increase their capacity as a Creator.  If someone interacts with us in a way that we might react to them as a Persecutor, by seeing them as a Creator in their own right, we can respond to them or the situation as a Challenger provoking learning and growth in ourselves.

As a Coach, we begin by seeing the other as ultimately capable and resources (again, whether they know it or act like it).  We support them by helping them identify envisioned outcomes, assess current reality, and discern the baby steps that result in forward progress.

Seeing others as a Creator not only is important in one-to-one interactions, but in groups as well – be they our families, our work colleagues and teams; or any other group within which we interact with others.

Namaste is a Sanskrit word that, roughly translated, means “I acknowledge the divinity within you” (or, as we say in TED*land, “To the Creator in you!).

Can you imagine what it would be like to begin interactions or meetings with such a greeting as “Namaste” or “Greetings Creator!” J  In the days ahead, if you can’t say it, think it, and see how it shifts the nature of your interactions.

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 (“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.

2.      Take a time-out every 2 hours

One of the most important ways of creating the new neuropathways mentioned in a previous post is to call yourself back to awareness and attention on a regular basis.  This helps prevent sliding back into old, patterned, and default ways of thinking and reacting.

Create a way to call “time out!” every two hours by setting an alarm on a watch, clock, or computer. Review the previous two hours by reflecting on the following questions:

–  Which Orientation (Victim or Creator) have you been operating from? 

–  Have you been in any of the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) roles of Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer?

–  If you are in any of the DDT roles, how can you make the shift to the antidote roles of Creator, Challenger or Coach in TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)?

 Try this process for a minimum of seven straight days and you will be amazed at how your awareness grows.  You will be developing those new neuropathways!

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.

1.      Practice morning quiet time and intention setting

Commit to 20-30 minutes of quiet time, reflection and intention setting each morning. Perhaps start with an inspirational reading (sacred scripture), a few minutes of prayer, meditation, or just paying attention to your breathing. Express gratitude for the relationship you are establishing with your life and for whatever aspects of your life call for gratitude.

Invite guidance and conscious awareness as a Creator. Affirm your commitment to a Creator Orientation and the TED*- based roles and relationships as a Creator, Challenger, and Coach. Review your intentions and choices of what you feel called to create in your life.

Choose and commit to THREE baby steps for the day. This might be as simple as making a particular phone call or gathering information that will further the process of creating an outcome, or maybe just writing in your journal.  It could also be a conversation you need to have with some at work or home in which being in the role of Challenger or Coach might be called for.

 For optimal results, it is recommended that you do this at home before starting your day.  However, there are some who commute to work in such a way (by train, ferry, subway, etc.), who have found it possible to do this on the way to work.

 By committing to this practice on a daily basis (or at least 5 days each week), you will begin each day by rooting yourself in a Creator Orientation.  In addition, I have found that the focus reduces stress and creates foward momentum on what matters most in my life.

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 (“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)