TED* Thoughts

One of the misconceptions about adopting a Creator Orientation is that this way of being is somehow always “goodness and light.” We can only wish that it were so!

While anxiety (or fear) is the primary motivational energy of the Victim Orientation, making the shift to a more empowered way of living does not mean an end to this most human of feelings and emotion.  But it does mean that our relationship and response to it can grow.

Years ago, a participant in a workshop for staff and volunteers of a chemical dependency and alcoholism unit of a local hospital made a declaration that has stayed with me.  The workshop that I was co-facilitating was entitled “Creating Recovery.”  As the participant stood to share what he wanted out of the day-long experience, he said: “I want to live this way while learning to dance with the anxiety.”

Dancing with the anxiety. 

That is what I am doing today – and experience many days.  Donna and I are preparing for a 2-week journey to India (which, I am certain, will provide much fodder for future blogs!).  As our departure looms, the list of tasks needing to be accomplished before we go seems to grow, rather than diminish.

Yet all of the tasks are baby steps in service to envisioned outcomes I care passionately about creating.  “Can I get it all done?”  “What will happen if something falls through the cracks?”  “What is the most important thing to focus on?”  All these questions – this self talk – is related to the anxiety I feel in the process of creating while preparing for what we anticipate will be an amazing journey.

However, rather than reacting to the anxiety in ways that constrict or immobilize, the key is to channel that energy into “taking the next step” in the dance – the process – of creating.

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

It must be Jennifer Waldron week here on “TED* Thoughts!”  Last night, she sent an email (thanks!) with the link to a most inspiring video of Nick Vujicic – which has been making its way around the internet.  (Only watch it when you can both laugh and cry!)

It reminds me of a quote included in The Power of TED*: “What determines your destiny is not the hand you’re dealt, but how you play the hand.”

Nick clearly faces the lifelong Challenger of the physical “hand” he was dealt and could have easily “folded” and legitimately lived out his life as a Victim and from the Victim Orientation.  Instead, he clearly has responded as a Creator and inspired adopting a Creator Orientation in others!

Many of us are holding and facing less-than-ideal “hands we’ve been dealt” these days.  Whether it is effects if the economy; health challenges; relationship challenges; or whatever – how we play the hand depends on how we play life.  Is it Victim or Creator?

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Last week, a conversation during a consulting engagement involved the expressed need to “create a sense of urgency” for implementing change.  The nature of urgency is something that I have thought a lot about over the years and I shared my perspective with my clients.

As I do with virtually every coaching or consulting situation, I had already shared the Problem and Outcome orientations, which are referred to as the Victim Orientation and Creator Orientation in The Power of TED*. 

The Problem/Victim mindset is a problem-focused; anxiety-based and reactive way of being.  Alternatively, the Outcome/Creator Orientation is outcome-focused; passion-motivated and creative.

Years ago, while conducting a leadership development program, a conversation ensued about the place of urgency in the orientations.  My initial response was to connect urgency to anxiety, since there is very often a sense of urgency to react to the problems that elicit that emotional response.  Someone in the group then asked whether urgency could also exist in the Outcome Orientation.

That question served as a Challenger to my assumption that urgency and anxiety were synonymous. 

Over several months, I mulled over that question from time-to-time.  Then one day it occurred to me that it might be wise to actually look up the word “urgency” is the dictionary.  The resolution to my dilemma was found in the root word of “urgency,” which is the word “urge,” as in the urge to create!

The insight for me was that urgency can be either anxiety or passion based. 

In sharing that perspective with my clients, I asked which quality of urgency they wanted to foster.  Anxiety-based urgency leads to reactivity, but rarely – if ever – results in sustainable change.  The sense of urgency to create an envisioned outcome about which we care passionately has a much higher probability of leading to sustainable change and manifested outcomes.

Of course, they chose passion…

When you experience urgency, where is it usually rooted: in anxiety or passion?

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

This week I am again privileged to serve as a Coach in the University of Notre Dame’s Executive Integral Leadership Program.  This is the 8^th year for my involvement through my association with The Leadership Circle.  I will sit with 5 Executive MBA students to debrief their Leadership Circle Profile – a powerful 360-degree feedback tool in which they gain insight into how they are perceived as a leader by those around them.

Experience shows that many – if not most – will take in this feedback through the filter of the Victim (or Reactive) Orientation.  For them, the perspectives contained in the Profile will reveal a set of “problems to solve.”  As described in The Power of TED*, in this mindset we focus on problems, which engage our anxiety and causes us to react.  The reactions will range from defensiveness to anger to fear that they are not effective – and they will want to do action planning to “fix” the flaws they see.

There will also be a handful who take in this precious information as a Creator, filtered through the Creator (or Creative) Orientation.  For them, they will see the feedback as a “snapshot in time” of what lies in the waking of their leading.  This picture of current reality will provide perspective on their strengths and what supports their leading, as well as what is inhibiting their effectiveness.  They will want to action plan in ways that continue to leverage the strengths, as well as plan for “baby steps” to enhance their effectiveness.

When you receive feedback – invited or not – how to take it in and respond?  As a Creator, honestly and candidly understanding current reality is vital for planning for action.

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

(This is another of the occasion contributions of Kathy Haskin – a member of Team TED* and Creator oriented [most of the time] parent of three marvelous teens.  Thanks, Kathy!)

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Everyone remembers family vacations, those shared times stored in our memories forever.  Feeling that pressure to make this year’s vacation memorable, I turned to our teenage son as we packed for our nine days in sunny California, “Please let’s get along and enjoy this week as much as we can.”

“I’ll have a good attitude if you do…” his response was simple and direct to the point.  This wasn’t really a statement of accountability, but rather an observation on how we as a family tend to interact. 

Our family dynamics can be reactive (this is a serious understatement).  There is no changing the react and response interactions within our relationships.  However, during our active days on this vacation, I grew to appreciate that this reactivity can be harnessed and turned to creativity if each of us is reacting and responding from a Creator Orientation. 

Reactivity is part of our reality.  However during this vacation I found that when I, as a parent, reacted as a Creator, Coach or Challenger, the response I often received from our teenagers encouraged other outcome-oriented approaches.  Rather than building tension, which often happens when one of us reacts from a role within the Drama Triangle, we built creativity and a great family experience by bringing TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) along on this vacation. 

For me, it came down to considering what was behind the complaint or reaction.  It is important to take that second to recognize that “why do we have to eat Mexican food again?!” was not a reflection on the menu choice, but rather a call out to be part of the decision as we head toward our next meal.  My next step should have been to ask “what is it you really want?” 

Asking a question, looking further at the actual reasoning behind the complaint, often kept me in an empowerment dynamic role and away from a drama role.  Of course come complaints have more obvious sources.  “This sand is HOT!” was true and a reflection of the intense sun in California.  Just kick away the top layer of hot sand and you have a place to stand. However “this line is taking forever!” turned out to be our daughter’s fear that we would not have time to see everything at Sea World.  Once we realized what was behind her complaint, reassurance that there was plenty of time in the day helped us all escape the impending drama.  It doesn’t hurt to ask, either aloud or in your mind, “What do they want?”  This repeatedly kept me in the right place to respond well. 

Yes, nine days delivered some drama with two parents and three teens together at all times.  But it was the times that we were truly enjoying and creating together that I will remember for a very long time (long after this sunburn fades).    Pack wisely on your next family vacation.  Don’t forget to chose the right TED* responses, along with the proper sunscreen. 

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Do you know that you can translate a message in Outlook with a few clicks of your computer mouse?  We didn’t, until a couple days ago when we received a message that was written in Swedish.  Try as we might – and with only a distant memory of German from 2 years of study in high school – there was just no way to make out what the message was saying.  About all that was discernable was that it referred to some dates.

Then, quite by accident, a right click of the mouse showed an option to translate.  Lo and behold there is a way to translate from many different languages into other languages.  So we highlighted the message, set the options to translate from Swedish to English and – magic! – there in the right hand column appeared the message!  While it was not a perfect translation, enough was there to make it clear that it was an “auto-respond”, “out of office” message.  It was generated upon receipt of the July, 2009 issue of the “TED* Letter.” (“Addicted to Drama – Part II”).

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could so simply “translate” the thoughts and intentions that drive the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) easily into expressions of The Empowerment Dynamic (TED)?  Perhaps if we listen deeply to someone who is reacting as a Victim, we can translate their complaint into an understanding of their deeper commitment and to what they care most about as a Creator.  Maybe, when one turns to us as a Rescuer and wants us to “fix” them, we could translate that desire for solutions by becoming a Coach and helping them find their own way – with our support.  Perhaps a Persecutor could translate the intention behind their challenge by speaking to the learning they are hoping to spark – thus becoming a conscious constructive Challenger.

With practice – LOTS of practice – we can grow into translators for ourselves and others as we learn to speak more fluently the language of TED*.

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 “TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

We are a problem-focused culture – and probably planet.  Just one look or listen of the news brings a litany of the daily blues and Challengers of the world.

One everyday example of our problem-centric mindset is the emergence over the past decade or so of the response of “No problem” that we often get when we thank someone.  (This may be an idiom particular to the particularly U.S.  – I really am not certain.)

The next time you are in a restaurant or the grocery or somewhere you are being “served,” notice what the response is when you say “thank you.”  There is a better-than-even chance that you will hear “no problem” at least as often “you’re welcome” (or some other affirming response).

Why do I have a problem with “no problem?”  Only that the language subtly reinforces the problem-focused Victim Orientation.  It keeps us psychological interacting around what we don’t want, which is a problem.

From a Creator Orientation, it seems to me that, in additional to the traditional “you’re welcome,” something that reinforces a positive outcome is in order (after all, we are thanking the other because of a positive outcome).  Responses like “glad you like it” or “happy to” or “it’s my pleasure” keeps the focus on what we want and like.

In the coming days, pay attention to how you respond when people say “thanks” to you and respond in the affirmative.  The subtle ways we use language can really influence the course of an interaction or conversation.

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

A friend recently sent a series of inspirational sayings, one of which was:

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

Part of the human experience is that “storms happen.”  Whether it is the weather, or the Challenger of a disrespectful teenager (or spouse, friend, or coworker) or ill health or loss of economic resources, how we choose to respond depends on which orientation – Victim or Creator – we are centered in.

As a Victim, we will engage in reacting through various forms of fight, flight or freeze.

As a Creator, we will choose our response – even while we acknowledge to ourselves that we feel victimized – and focus on what we want to create or what our options for action might be.  It may be raining, but we can choose to dance.

A corollary to this saying is one of my favorites: “Don’t curse the darkness, light a candle” (the subject of one of my earliest blogs).

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

(People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.)

7.      End of the Day of Reflection

Finally, at the end of the day, take at least 10 minutes to reflect back on the day. You may choose to do this while flossing, brushing your teeth and preparing for bed.

Better yet, sit in a chair in a quiet room for 10 minutes.

Replay the day in much the same way as the every-two-hour-time-out.  Ask yourself the following questions:

• Looking back, when were you operating from the problem-focused Victim Orientation and when were you centered in the Creator Orientation? 
• What were your successes – what went well?  What did you do that supports your intention to live more consistently as a Creator?
• What roles did you take on in the course of the day?
• When you fell into a Dreaded Drama Triangle role, if you could declare a “do over,” how might you have made the shift into the corresponding more empowered and resourceful TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) role?
• If you were reacted as a Victim, how could you have shifted into a Creator and chosen a different response?  If Persecutor, how might you have stepped up as a Challenger?  And if a Rescuer, how could you have served, instead, as a Coach?
• What were the lessons learned from the day?

As you review the day, don’t judgethe day or yourself as good or bad – just discern where you are and how you might continue to grow. Then let the day go, know that you will begin tomorrow by refocusing on the outcomes you want to create in your life.

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

(People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.)

6.      Speak to What You Want

Don’t be seduced by the Kinship of Victimhood, in which we collude with others in perpetuating the “gee, ain’t it awful” perspective of the Victim. This kinship keeps us firmly focused on what we don’t want and don’t like, which is deeply rooted in the Victim/Problem Orientation. 

Instead, as a Creator, speak to choices and to what you want.  Stay focused on the outcomes you are creating and/or how you choose to respond to a situation.  If someone complains or tries to entice you into the “kinship,” speak to what it is that they care about (as Robert Kegan says, “Behind every complaint lies a commitment”).   For instance, if they complain about the weather, perhaps you can respond about how one can deal with the heat (or cold).  Also, encourage others to speak to what they want to create in their lives.

In order to stay in a Creator Orientation and centered on outcomes, you may need to reframe a problem that you, or the other person, face.  For more on problem reframing, see the May, 2010 issue of the “TED* Letter.”

By speaking to what you want, you will be much more empowered and resourceful – for yourself and those with whom you interact.

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)