TED* Thoughts

We create by taking “baby steps”- those everyday actions we take to bring into manifestation our envisioned outcomes.  That is the way of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) and its antidote way of being that stands in contrast to the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT).

The baby steps we take can be as simple as making a phone call; having a particular conversation; reading an article or chapter in a book; talking with a Coach; gathering information – anything that furthers action toward an outcome.

When we take a baby step, one of three things will happen: 

1. We make forward progress – The step we take is a positive step in the direction of the outcome.  This helps build momentum and may help us further clarify the vision and/or the way forward.
2. We take a step “backwards” – Sometimes the steps take do not produce the forward progress we envisioned or hoped for.  (For instance, an important conversation may not have gone the way we anticipated that it would.)  Even a “step back” can provide important learning and information about what next steps to take. 
3. We experience a “quantum leap” – We never know when a baby step will propel us forward in ways we could not have anticipated and would not have occurred had we not taken the step.  Doors open; serendipity and synchronicity show up; breakthroughs happen. 

Regardless of which of these three possibilities result from our baby steps, each contributes to clarifying and creating our envisioned outcomes.

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 “TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

 This past weekend, I found myself thinking about Jennifer’s comment on last week’s “TED* Behind Bars” post – especially her statement about “my own personal prison.” 

Over and over, I have seen this in my own life and in my coaching of others.  It is especially true for those of us whose primary role in the Dreaded Drama Triangle is that of Rescuer. 

How many times have leaders/managers complained about how overworked and out of work-life balance they are?  Way too many!  As we explore deeper, it is often the case that the have become prisoners (or Victims) of their own making by becoming the “go to person” or “chief fire fighter” or just the “expert” who has seen it all and knows it all.  Over time, the system becomes dependent on their playing the Rescuer (or hero) with all the answers by their employees and/or others they work around.

During this exploration, I will ask what the hoped-for payoff is for being the Rescuer, which is often connected to being seen as important, helpful or (again) the hero.   Then we look at the unintended consequences of playing this role.  This is where they come to see how they have bred dependency – and with everyone now dependent upon them, the pressures and weight of always having to be there becomes their “own personal prison.”

The way to escape this particular prison is to shift into the Coach role of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) and to be helpful in facilitating others’ clarification and discernment of how to respond to situations and create their own outcomes. (For more on this, see last month’s “TED* Letter” newsletter). 

BTW, this is also true in family dynamics.  Being the “fixer of others” can become another context for constructing our “own personal prison.”

 Thanks, Jennifer, for the provocative (Challenger) comments!

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 ”TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Arriving in the mail today was a letter from Ron, a federal prisoner with whom I have corresponded off-and-on for over four years, and who signed his letter “TED* behind bars.” 

His is an amazing story and, as far as I can discern, he is a model inmate.  Before being transferred to the facility in which he is now incarcerated, Ron presented a 10-week class on The Power of TED* three different times (he also has taught a number of GED and for-credit classes).  He has also earned an Associate’s degree, with the plan to earn is Bachelor’s degree upon release and to become a youth drug counselor. 

In today’s letter, he wrote:

“Being in prison gives plenty of time for introspection, and I must have replayed my life a million times – looking for the origin of my criminal thinking.  If you peel away the layers, the Victim Orientation is at the root.  When I widen my focus… you find the DDT (Dreaded Drama Triangle) footprint everywhere!”

In a letter last year he also made the following observation that serves as important food-for-thought:

“Another thing I’ve learned – prison is not limited to institutions, because I was imprisoned long before I came there!  I am so glad of the unique circumstances that brought TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) into my life.  Quick recap: I read a book called Codependent No More and there was a line about Mr. (Stephen) Karpman.  So I asked my mom to look him up and she sent me TED*. I guess the rest is history… and the future! J”

We can so easily imprison ourselves in our daily dramas.  The key to unlocking the cell and emerging into the freedom of choice is to make the shift – as Ron has – from the DDT to TED*.

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

This is a special day in a number of ways.  First, it is the 9^th day of the 8^th month of 2010, so it is 8-9-10, as we track dates in the U.S.  You can make of that what you will.   :)

It is also the 90^th birthday of our dear friend – and “Gold Heart” Creator – Rae Cheney.  Rae is a remarkable woman in many, many ways and her story deserves to become a book (and may someday).  She is so vital and alive, my almost 30-year-old stepdaughter declares, “I want to be like Rae NOW!” (This was in response to the usual “I want to be like Rae when I am 90.”)

A most poignant part of her life story is how she – along with her daughter Jerilyn Brusseau – has turned sorrow into service over the past 40 years.  In 1969, Rae’s son and Jerilyn’s younger brother was shot down and killed while piloting a helicopter in Vietnam. 

This tragic turn of events could easily have turned the family into a grieving reaction rooted in the DDT (Dreaded Drama Triangle), seeing Dan and themselves as Victims and either the war itself or the Vietnamese as the Persecutor.

Instead, they took the response of a Creator to this deepest of sorrows.  Jerilyn and her late husband Danaan Parry, founded PeaceTrees Vietnam.  From their website:

“PeaceTrees Vietnam was founded in 1995 to renew relationships with the people of Vietnam and promote a safe, healthy future for its families & children.  We sponsor demining and mine risk education, survivor assistance, citizen diplomacy trips and community building projects in partnership with the people of Quang Tri Province.”

As the history posted on the website shares:

“The idea for PeaceTrees Vietnam arose from a desire to turn sorrow into service. In 1969 an American, Daniel Cheney, was killed when his helicopter was shot down in one of the southern provinces. His sister, Jerilyn Brusseau, was heartbroken that she had lost her beloved younger brother. Instead of turning her loss into anger and hatred, she vowed that one day when the war was over she would work to build bridges of peace and friendship between the American and Vietnamese peoples. She wanted to do all that she could do to help heal the emotional and environmental wounds of the war.”

Donna and I have visited PeaceTrees Vietnam and it is truly a place of love-in-action, healing and growth.

Rae has volunteered with PeaceTrees since the beginning:

“Considered the ‘heart’ of the organization, she does everything from helping with events to writing personal thank-you notes to thousands of donors, large and small.  A retired banking professional and mother of Daniel Cheney… she has dedicated her post-retirement life to the organization and supports its daily operations tirelessly with untold volunteer hours.”

Rae has made an extraordinary commitment to further healing by deciding to make her first trip to Vietnam next month.  Rae and her inspiring story will be the subject of this month’s “TED* Letter” newsletter.

Happy Birthday, Rae – and thanks for setting being such an inspiring Creator!

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TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

(This is another of the occasion contributions of Kathy Haskin – a member of Team TED* and Creator oriented [most of the time] parent of three marvelous teens.  Thanks, Kathy!)

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Everyone remembers family vacations, those shared times stored in our memories forever.  Feeling that pressure to make this year’s vacation memorable, I turned to our teenage son as we packed for our nine days in sunny California, “Please let’s get along and enjoy this week as much as we can.”

“I’ll have a good attitude if you do…” his response was simple and direct to the point.  This wasn’t really a statement of accountability, but rather an observation on how we as a family tend to interact. 

Our family dynamics can be reactive (this is a serious understatement).  There is no changing the react and response interactions within our relationships.  However, during our active days on this vacation, I grew to appreciate that this reactivity can be harnessed and turned to creativity if each of us is reacting and responding from a Creator Orientation. 

Reactivity is part of our reality.  However during this vacation I found that when I, as a parent, reacted as a Creator, Coach or Challenger, the response I often received from our teenagers encouraged other outcome-oriented approaches.  Rather than building tension, which often happens when one of us reacts from a role within the Drama Triangle, we built creativity and a great family experience by bringing TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) along on this vacation. 

For me, it came down to considering what was behind the complaint or reaction.  It is important to take that second to recognize that “why do we have to eat Mexican food again?!” was not a reflection on the menu choice, but rather a call out to be part of the decision as we head toward our next meal.  My next step should have been to ask “what is it you really want?” 

Asking a question, looking further at the actual reasoning behind the complaint, often kept me in an empowerment dynamic role and away from a drama role.  Of course come complaints have more obvious sources.  “This sand is HOT!” was true and a reflection of the intense sun in California.  Just kick away the top layer of hot sand and you have a place to stand. However “this line is taking forever!” turned out to be our daughter’s fear that we would not have time to see everything at Sea World.  Once we realized what was behind her complaint, reassurance that there was plenty of time in the day helped us all escape the impending drama.  It doesn’t hurt to ask, either aloud or in your mind, “What do they want?”  This repeatedly kept me in the right place to respond well. 

Yes, nine days delivered some drama with two parents and three teens together at all times.  But it was the times that we were truly enjoying and creating together that I will remember for a very long time (long after this sunburn fades).    Pack wisely on your next family vacation.  Don’t forget to chose the right TED* responses, along with the proper sunscreen. 

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Do you know that you can translate a message in Outlook with a few clicks of your computer mouse?  We didn’t, until a couple days ago when we received a message that was written in Swedish.  Try as we might – and with only a distant memory of German from 2 years of study in high school – there was just no way to make out what the message was saying.  About all that was discernable was that it referred to some dates.

Then, quite by accident, a right click of the mouse showed an option to translate.  Lo and behold there is a way to translate from many different languages into other languages.  So we highlighted the message, set the options to translate from Swedish to English and – magic! – there in the right hand column appeared the message!  While it was not a perfect translation, enough was there to make it clear that it was an “auto-respond”, “out of office” message.  It was generated upon receipt of the July, 2009 issue of the “TED* Letter.” (“Addicted to Drama – Part II”).

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could so simply “translate” the thoughts and intentions that drive the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) easily into expressions of The Empowerment Dynamic (TED)?  Perhaps if we listen deeply to someone who is reacting as a Victim, we can translate their complaint into an understanding of their deeper commitment and to what they care most about as a Creator.  Maybe, when one turns to us as a Rescuer and wants us to “fix” them, we could translate that desire for solutions by becoming a Coach and helping them find their own way – with our support.  Perhaps a Persecutor could translate the intention behind their challenge by speaking to the learning they are hoping to spark – thus becoming a conscious constructive Challenger.

With practice – LOTS of practice – we can grow into translators for ourselves and others as we learn to speak more fluently the language of TED*.

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 “TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

In a recent phone conversation with Diane Dennis about next fall’s Charter TED* Practitioner Program, she made a statement that has continued to stay with me.  We were talking (no surprise) about the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) and its roles of Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer.  Specifically, we talked about how many people who are in the “helping professions” often unwittingly enter into their field from the perspective of a Rescuer.

Then Diane threw in this zinger:  “One of my favorite statements is ‘I will rescue you, if you…’ (and then fill in the blank).” 

“I will rescue you, if you…”

• will love me
• will stay with me/not abandon me
• see me as “right”
• see me as a hero
• acknowledge how smart I am
• “shape up and fly right”
• see me as a good person
• do what I want you to do

And this is just a top-of-mind list! 

A Rescuer often is operating with an unstated “bargain,”  which is what the “if you…” is all about.  It is usually not even conscious on their part.  And – here’s the “kicker” – when the person they are seeking to rescue (i.e. a Victim) does not follow through on their end of the unstated the Rescuer then assumes the Victim role.  And the drama continues.

What is you experience?  How would you complete the sentence, “I will rescue you, if you will…”  How might have the rescuers in your life completed the sentence?

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

(People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.)

7.      End of the Day of Reflection

Finally, at the end of the day, take at least 10 minutes to reflect back on the day. You may choose to do this while flossing, brushing your teeth and preparing for bed.

Better yet, sit in a chair in a quiet room for 10 minutes.

Replay the day in much the same way as the every-two-hour-time-out.  Ask yourself the following questions:

• Looking back, when were you operating from the problem-focused Victim Orientation and when were you centered in the Creator Orientation? 
• What were your successes – what went well?  What did you do that supports your intention to live more consistently as a Creator?
• What roles did you take on in the course of the day?
• When you fell into a Dreaded Drama Triangle role, if you could declare a “do over,” how might you have made the shift into the corresponding more empowered and resourceful TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) role?
• If you were reacted as a Victim, how could you have shifted into a Creator and chosen a different response?  If Persecutor, how might you have stepped up as a Challenger?  And if a Rescuer, how could you have served, instead, as a Coach?
• What were the lessons learned from the day?

As you review the day, don’t judgethe day or yourself as good or bad – just discern where you are and how you might continue to grow. Then let the day go, know that you will begin tomorrow by refocusing on the outcomes you want to create in your life.

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

This is an interlude in the series on the TED* 7 Daily Practices.  However, the fact that we in the United States celebrated Independence Day yesterday is a cause to pause and share a few thoughts related to its meaning – and how TED* makes the way for us all to declaration our Interdependence.

Stephen R. Covey, in his now classic The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, frames his habits along a “maturity continuum” that helps us evolve from a paradigm of Dependence through Independence and, eventually, into Interdependence.

The Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)http://www.powerofted.com/book.html helps facilitate movement along that continuum.  The Dreaded Dream Triangle (DDT) and its roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer are clearly rooted in the mindset of Dependence.

TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) helps us gain a “new center” of Independence by adopting a Creator Orientation from which to live a life focused on a sense of purpose and resourcefulness.  As we grow into TED* and develop the capabilities of the Creator, Challenger and Coach roles, they naturally progress into interacting with others and embodying the Interdependent paradigm as we collaborate with other Co-Creators.

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.

2.      Take a time-out every 2 hours

One of the most important ways of creating the new neuropathways mentioned in a previous post is to call yourself back to awareness and attention on a regular basis.  This helps prevent sliding back into old, patterned, and default ways of thinking and reacting.

Create a way to call “time out!” every two hours by setting an alarm on a watch, clock, or computer. Review the previous two hours by reflecting on the following questions:

–  Which Orientation (Victim or Creator) have you been operating from? 

–  Have you been in any of the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) roles of Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer?

–  If you are in any of the DDT roles, how can you make the shift to the antidote roles of Creator, Challenger or Coach in TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)?

 Try this process for a minimum of seven straight days and you will be amazed at how your awareness grows.  You will be developing those new neuropathways!

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)