TED* Thoughts

 This past weekend, I found myself thinking about Jennifer’s comment on last week’s “TED* Behind Bars” post – especially her statement about “my own personal prison.” 

Over and over, I have seen this in my own life and in my coaching of others.  It is especially true for those of us whose primary role in the Dreaded Drama Triangle is that of Rescuer. 

How many times have leaders/managers complained about how overworked and out of work-life balance they are?  Way too many!  As we explore deeper, it is often the case that the have become prisoners (or Victims) of their own making by becoming the “go to person” or “chief fire fighter” or just the “expert” who has seen it all and knows it all.  Over time, the system becomes dependent on their playing the Rescuer (or hero) with all the answers by their employees and/or others they work around.

During this exploration, I will ask what the hoped-for payoff is for being the Rescuer, which is often connected to being seen as important, helpful or (again) the hero.   Then we look at the unintended consequences of playing this role.  This is where they come to see how they have bred dependency – and with everyone now dependent upon them, the pressures and weight of always having to be there becomes their “own personal prison.”

The way to escape this particular prison is to shift into the Coach role of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) and to be helpful in facilitating others’ clarification and discernment of how to respond to situations and create their own outcomes. (For more on this, see last month’s “TED* Letter” newsletter). 

BTW, this is also true in family dynamics.  Being the “fixer of others” can become another context for constructing our “own personal prison.”

 Thanks, Jennifer, for the provocative (Challenger) comments!

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 ”TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Do you know that you can translate a message in Outlook with a few clicks of your computer mouse?  We didn’t, until a couple days ago when we received a message that was written in Swedish.  Try as we might – and with only a distant memory of German from 2 years of study in high school – there was just no way to make out what the message was saying.  About all that was discernable was that it referred to some dates.

Then, quite by accident, a right click of the mouse showed an option to translate.  Lo and behold there is a way to translate from many different languages into other languages.  So we highlighted the message, set the options to translate from Swedish to English and – magic! – there in the right hand column appeared the message!  While it was not a perfect translation, enough was there to make it clear that it was an “auto-respond”, “out of office” message.  It was generated upon receipt of the July, 2009 issue of the “TED* Letter.” (“Addicted to Drama – Part II”).

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could so simply “translate” the thoughts and intentions that drive the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) easily into expressions of The Empowerment Dynamic (TED)?  Perhaps if we listen deeply to someone who is reacting as a Victim, we can translate their complaint into an understanding of their deeper commitment and to what they care most about as a Creator.  Maybe, when one turns to us as a Rescuer and wants us to “fix” them, we could translate that desire for solutions by becoming a Coach and helping them find their own way – with our support.  Perhaps a Persecutor could translate the intention behind their challenge by speaking to the learning they are hoping to spark – thus becoming a conscious constructive Challenger.

With practice – LOTS of practice – we can grow into translators for ourselves and others as we learn to speak more fluently the language of TED*.

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 “TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

In a recent phone conversation with Diane Dennis about next fall’s Charter TED* Practitioner Program, she made a statement that has continued to stay with me.  We were talking (no surprise) about the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) and its roles of Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer.  Specifically, we talked about how many people who are in the “helping professions” often unwittingly enter into their field from the perspective of a Rescuer.

Then Diane threw in this zinger:  “One of my favorite statements is ‘I will rescue you, if you…’ (and then fill in the blank).” 

“I will rescue you, if you…”

• will love me
• will stay with me/not abandon me
• see me as “right”
• see me as a hero
• acknowledge how smart I am
• “shape up and fly right”
• see me as a good person
• do what I want you to do

And this is just a top-of-mind list! 

A Rescuer often is operating with an unstated “bargain,”  which is what the “if you…” is all about.  It is usually not even conscious on their part.  And – here’s the “kicker” – when the person they are seeking to rescue (i.e. a Victim) does not follow through on their end of the unstated the Rescuer then assumes the Victim role.  And the drama continues.

What is you experience?  How would you complete the sentence, “I will rescue you, if you will…”  How might have the rescuers in your life completed the sentence?

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

(People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.)

7.      End of the Day of Reflection

Finally, at the end of the day, take at least 10 minutes to reflect back on the day. You may choose to do this while flossing, brushing your teeth and preparing for bed.

Better yet, sit in a chair in a quiet room for 10 minutes.

Replay the day in much the same way as the every-two-hour-time-out.  Ask yourself the following questions:

• Looking back, when were you operating from the problem-focused Victim Orientation and when were you centered in the Creator Orientation? 
• What were your successes – what went well?  What did you do that supports your intention to live more consistently as a Creator?
• What roles did you take on in the course of the day?
• When you fell into a Dreaded Drama Triangle role, if you could declare a “do over,” how might you have made the shift into the corresponding more empowered and resourceful TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) role?
• If you were reacted as a Victim, how could you have shifted into a Creator and chosen a different response?  If Persecutor, how might you have stepped up as a Challenger?  And if a Rescuer, how could you have served, instead, as a Coach?
• What were the lessons learned from the day?

As you review the day, don’t judgethe day or yourself as good or bad – just discern where you are and how you might continue to grow. Then let the day go, know that you will begin tomorrow by refocusing on the outcomes you want to create in your life.

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

This is an interlude in the series on the TED* 7 Daily Practices.  However, the fact that we in the United States celebrated Independence Day yesterday is a cause to pause and share a few thoughts related to its meaning – and how TED* makes the way for us all to declaration our Interdependence.

Stephen R. Covey, in his now classic The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, frames his habits along a “maturity continuum” that helps us evolve from a paradigm of Dependence through Independence and, eventually, into Interdependence.

The Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)http://www.powerofted.com/book.html helps facilitate movement along that continuum.  The Dreaded Dream Triangle (DDT) and its roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer are clearly rooted in the mindset of Dependence.

TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) helps us gain a “new center” of Independence by adopting a Creator Orientation from which to live a life focused on a sense of purpose and resourcefulness.  As we grow into TED* and develop the capabilities of the Creator, Challenger and Coach roles, they naturally progress into interacting with others and embodying the Interdependent paradigm as we collaborate with other Co-Creators.

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.

4.      Ask first, tell second

Many of us have a tendency to offer advice or to tell people what we think they should do.  That is the way of the Rescuer. In an attempt to fix, do for, or take care of another – however well intentioned it may be – a Rescuer is nearly always in a “tell” or “do” mode.   

“Asking first” anchors us in the role of Coach. A Coach asks good, genuinely inquisitive, and powerful questions that helps the other person (whom they see as a Creator) to clarify the following:

• outcomes they want to create;
• possible responses to a situation in which they find themselves;
• the current realities that support and/or inhibit their ability to achieve their outcome(s); and/or
• possible baby steps for moving forward.

By asking first and, then, if necessary offering suggestions or perspectives, we support the other as a Creator, holding them as capable and resourceful – whether they know it or not or whether they act like it or not.

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.

 3.      See everyone as a Creator

In every interaction remind yourself, “This person before me is a Creator.”

This is a foundational practice.  All three roles in the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) begin with the perspective that those with whom interact are Creators in their own right – whether they know it or not and whether they act like it or not.  When we see others as a Creator, it is reduces the likelihood of seeing them as a Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer.

As a Creator, we interact with others as Co-Creators in our personal, professional and community lives.

To be an effective, conscious and constructive Challenger of others, we act from an intention to spark learning and growth – and to increase their capacity as a Creator.  If someone interacts with us in a way that we might react to them as a Persecutor, by seeing them as a Creator in their own right, we can respond to them or the situation as a Challenger provoking learning and growth in ourselves.

As a Coach, we begin by seeing the other as ultimately capable and resources (again, whether they know it or act like it).  We support them by helping them identify envisioned outcomes, assess current reality, and discern the baby steps that result in forward progress.

Seeing others as a Creator not only is important in one-to-one interactions, but in groups as well – be they our families, our work colleagues and teams; or any other group within which we interact with others.

Namaste is a Sanskrit word that, roughly translated, means “I acknowledge the divinity within you” (or, as we say in TED*land, “To the Creator in you!).

Can you imagine what it would be like to begin interactions or meetings with such a greeting as “Namaste” or “Greetings Creator!” J  In the days ahead, if you can’t say it, think it, and see how it shifts the nature of your interactions.

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 (“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.

2.      Take a time-out every 2 hours

One of the most important ways of creating the new neuropathways mentioned in a previous post is to call yourself back to awareness and attention on a regular basis.  This helps prevent sliding back into old, patterned, and default ways of thinking and reacting.

Create a way to call “time out!” every two hours by setting an alarm on a watch, clock, or computer. Review the previous two hours by reflecting on the following questions:

–  Which Orientation (Victim or Creator) have you been operating from? 

–  Have you been in any of the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) roles of Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer?

–  If you are in any of the DDT roles, how can you make the shift to the antidote roles of Creator, Challenger or Coach in TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)?

 Try this process for a minimum of seven straight days and you will be amazed at how your awareness grows.  You will be developing those new neuropathways!

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

Today’s post is a reprise of the April, 2009 “TED* Letter” – my month newsletter.  It’s a timely reminder – at least for me – as my “to do” list still continues to grow!

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 “As you go through your daily experience, at every point in time you are faced with a choice about which Orientation and dynamic you want to live within, and which role you’re going to play.  The Choice Point is that moment in which you can consciously make shift happen.”     -      From Chapter 8: “Shift Happens” (The Power of TED*)

A while back, the CEO of a technology services company shared with me how he and his leadership team have been applying The Power of TED*™ as part of their day-to-day decision making and business methodology.  He has the FISBE diagrams from both the Victim and Creator Orientation on his wall.  Anyone is free, at any time, in a meeting or conversation to say “Time Out! Where are we?”  Very often, when they say this, they are pointing at the wall.

One of the key disciplines of living as a Creator is to stay aware of “where you are” – which Orientation you are operating from and what roles you are playing in your relationships with others.  When those we work with share the same language and frameworks that are found in The Power of TED*, we can then support one another by raising the question when we find ourselves – or see others – slipping into reactivity and dramas. 

When we raise the question, “Where are we?” the Choice Point becomes present and we can refocus our attention, intention and energy on what we want to create or how we choose to respond to current realities.

In business and organizational life, we are then able to make the shift from merely reacting to the problems that present themselves – for they always abound – to clarifying what we are want to create.  In focusing on outcomes, we work to provide solutions in service to our clients, customers and other stakeholders.  As we work toward those results, we may very well face problems that need to be resolved.  However, by reconnecting to that larger vision, we now have a much more resourceful basis for prioritizing and meeting challenges. 

One immediate example in my own worklife involves my ever-expanding “task list.”  As I write, the list seems to expand almost on its own!  It is easy for me to see the list as a series of “problems” that engage my anxiety and to which I can easily react.  Daily I remind myself that I love the work I am blessed to do and that the list represents baby steps in the process of creating and serving others.  I then am better able to prioritize the tasks by asking myself which task has the highest likelihood of either directly serving the most people or that builds a foundation for future service.

In personal relationships, asking yourself a similar question: “Where am I?” can help break the downward spiral of the Dreaded Drama Triangle when you find yourself in either the Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer roles.  By pausing (Time Out!) and raising the question to yourself, you can then check in and determine where and how you choose to shift your focus and energy. 

Parenting, for example, is full of opportunities to practice “Time Out!”  If your child were to bring home a report card with poor grades, how would you respond?  Most of us would feel a level of anxiety and be tempted to react in some way: either as a Victim (“How could you…?); Rescuer (“I’m going to go talk to teachers about how hard you already work and why they should cut you a break”); or Persecutor (“You’re grounded and no more TV!”).

While any of those reactions may be understandable, they will only perpetuate the drama.  So pause, take a deep breath (or 3 or 4) and ask “Where am I?” and “What do I really want?”  You are at a Choice Point.

In making the shift toward supporting your child’s learning and success, perhaps you can respond as a Creator (“I am going to see this as learning opportunity for both myself and my child.”); as a Coach (“I am going to use questions to help my child look at what happened, what the consequences are and should be, and what they can do differently.”); or as a Challenger (“One consequence is going to be homework before playing outside or TV because their learning is important and I want them to be successful.”).

Making such a shift is easier said than done, but the long term outcomes are worth the time and effort.

When you find yourself in the problem-focused, anxiety/fear-based and reactive Victim Orientation – or in any of the roles and dynamics of the Dreaded Drama Triangle – declare “Time Out!” and ask “Where are we?” and/or “Where am I?” Welcome the Choice Point when it presents itself. And then choose where you want to focus your attention, intention and energy.  That’s what it takes to be a Creator.

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 (“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

This was to good to pass up as a “guest blog” from our family-focused Kathy Haskin!  Notice the subtle way that The Power of TED* has transformed the family dynamics of three teens and their Mom (Dad was at the gym when this happened).  Enjoy!

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Everyone woke early today, the second day of finals for the high school teens.  A “special project” for the twins had Tess preparing chocolate-covered strawberries last night, Maggie making chocolate milkshakes this morning.  Chocolate is good for finals week.  Mom snatched one of the chocolate chips between sips of coffee.  “A tiny piece of chocolate won’t hurt…”

Breakfast finished, Maggie took out the blender.  “I hate this blender; it hates me.” She stared at the machine, remembering the wooden spoon it chopped up in the last culinary endeavor. 

“No worries, no wood this time.” Mom supported the young chef as she measured and added each perfectly allocated ingredient.  Math in the morning.  Yikes.  Mom sipped her coffee. Maggie strode through the process creating the tasty treat, and hopefully the good grade she wanted. 

Blend, poke, poke, blend. “I think it is ready.”  The plastic pitcher was standing by, as was Mom holding it securely, just in case.  Maggie picked up the blender, tipped it slightly…

WHOOOOOOOSH! The bottom fell out of the blender!  Cold chocolate splashed everywhere, covering every surface including both chefs!

AAAAAGHHHHHHH! Maggie was launched into victimhood, and for good reason.  The ingredients were all over the floor and time was almost gone.  “What am I going to do?!  This is hopeless!”  her cries identified her role, she was clearly, and rightfully, in the victim orientation. 

Brother steeped into his drama triangle default, “what did you do!”  The persecutor role entered the scene.  Mom was launched into her drama default, “Don’t worry we will take care of this!” the rescuer was on hand.  In an instant the cast of characters were present. 

Still frozen in the dripping-with-liquid pose, Mom tried to move in a different direction.  “OK, we still need to make this.”

“With what?” Maggie pointed a dripping hand at the empty containers. 

Take it in steps, Mom tried to remember – what TED* would do. “What’s the desired outcome?”

“I need to bring something in for a grade.” Maggie lamented. 

“No, you need to stop dripping first.” Mom pointed to the sticky puddle under them.  “I’ll clean up, you start with changing your clothes.”

Brother grabbed the pets, shutting the doors to the kitchen.  Tess stepped into the room “Oh my gosh! What can I do?” Everyone clicked into tasks, taking steps.  Slowly a creator, challenger and two coaches were in the room.  New ingredients were found, laundry was started, the floor was mopped, a creative and still very chocolate recipe was made.  The teen driver brought the car up to the door as the girls put on their sandals. 

“I have chocolate on my foot!” giggles released a bit of the tension.  The second teen entered the vehicle with her strawberries.  And finally, enter Maggie, exhausted from the ordeal.  “That was something everyone.” Mom just had to put credit where credit was do.  Remarkably they were still on time.  “We stepped out of the drama and really worked together during that culinary crisis, and that is what it was, a crisis. Well done everyone.” 

Everyone sat for a moment, a bit taller and clearly wide awake.  Maggie broke the silence, “I FORGOT MY MILKSHAKE!” She held up her empty hands as she flew back into the house.  Laughter shook the vehicle all the way to school.

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 (“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)