TED* Thoughts

Years ago I had the privilege of serving on the board of trustees of my church.  Like a lot of spiritual communities, each year we would adopt a theme to guide our worship and activities.  Recently I came across an old sweatshirt with one of those themes:

“Participants in Creation: Committed to Spirit and Service.”

Not bystanders.  Not spectators.  Participants.

Every thought, every word, every deed is an act of creating – and creation. 

Even reacting is creating.  If we are reacting to what we don’t like or don’t want, we are reinforcing the Victim Orientation.  In so doing, we are quite likely creating, perpetuating or engaging the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT)™ (aka the Karpman Drama Triangle).  Whether Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer, we are participants in creating more drama in the world.

By adopting a Creator Orientation and focusing on what we want to create and how we choose to respond to our life experiences, we are participants in conscious living – and encourage others to do the same through our thoughts, words and actions.  As a Creator, Challenger and Coach, we lift our relationships to a more resourceful reality by engaging and participating in TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.

As we go through our week, let’s pause every few hours and ask ourselves: what am I participating in creating?

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT]™) to TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)™.  

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

I am more convinced than ever that drama is an inescapable part of the human experience.  There are always going to be times in which we encounter people, conditions or circumstances that can easily trigger and propel you into the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what we call the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) – and its roles of Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer.

The good news is that, when you do find yourself in such situations, you can develop your capacity to shift from reacting to choosing.

As you seek to make the shift between from the reactive Victim Orientation to a more empowering and resourceful Creator Orientation, however, you will frustrate yourself if you expect that you are going to always (and in every situation) be successful. 

The way of forward progress is not an easy climb of continuous forward progress.  Oh, I wish that it were so!  Instead, it is a combination of steps forward – and even breakthroughs at times – and missteps that seem to impede your progress.

Living more fully and consistently as a Creator and cultivating your capacity to embody TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) roles of Creator, Challenger and Coach in our relationships, is a process in which you will be engaged for the rest of your life.

My suggestion is to measure your forward progress through the practice of “Catch and Choose.”  When you experience some sort of misstep – unconsciously reacting to problems; feeling like a victim; attempting to fix and rescue another; trying to control a person or a situation – that is the time to “Catch and Choose.” 

The key is to “catch” yourself by becoming aware of being in a reactive state or role and to then shift your focus and “choose” a more resourceful response or role.  Ask yourself “What do I want to create in this situation?” Rather than rescuing, be of service as a coach.  Instead of controlling, perhaps take a stand for what you want and adopt the role of a Conscious Constructive Challenger.

For me, the measure of forward progress is based on “catching” myself more quickly (i.e. spending less time in a reactive space or role) and “choosing” sooner, more consciously and more effectively.

By practicing the process of “catch and choose,” you will find yourself spending more time in TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic).

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.  

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

This issue of TED* Thoughts is a follow up to last week’s posting on “Reactive Strategies,” in which we looked at a tense situation through the frame of the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT)™, also known as the Karpman Drama Triangle.  Let’s start with the same scenario as last week: 

The situation is tense at work or at home.  You are overwhelmed with all that you have on your plate to do.  An important colleague or one of your family members comes to you with an urgent request that you had not anticipated. 

How could you respond to this scenario from within the relationship roles of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)™?

As a Creator, focusing on the outcomes we are committed to is paramount.  At the same time, we respond to the other as a Creator in their own right, capable and resourceful in accomplishing the outcomes to which they are committed.  In speaking to outcomes, while being supportive, we might say: “I know your request is important.  However, I have commitments that I need to focus on right now that are important for me to complete.  I am willing to take 5-10 minutes to help you brainstorm how to get your needs met.”

As a Challenger, we may see the situation as an opportunity for learning and growth for the person bringing the request.  Again, it would be important to see them as a Creator in their own right, responsible for the situation at hand.  “I cannot take the time right now to help you.  If you could have given me some advance warning, I would have been happy to help or to work it into my other commitments.  In the future, I would appreciate more lead time. I am willing to take 5-10 minutes now, though, to help you brainstorm how to get your needs met.”  Tone-of-voice is critical here and the goal is not to make them feel badly or make them “wrong,” but to offer a perspective that can lead to learning.

Rather than dropping everything and becoming a Rescuer, a Coach would offer to ask questions to help the other clarify what they want/need and how they might go about accomplishing the outcome.  We might start with the same statement as a Creator (“I know your request is important.  However, I have commitments that I need to focus on right now that are important for me to complete.”) and then move into the Coach role.  “What are some ways you can get your need met that do not involve me right now?  What other people or resources might be available?” may be questions that helps the other person create a solution.

Such situations arise all the time for us – they are part of the human experience.  When they happen, we can cultivate the capability to RESPOND, rather than react.  As a Creator, Challenger and/or Coach, we have a range of empowering and co-creative responsive strategies available to us.  All we need do is create them!

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT} ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.  Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

The situation is tense at work or at home.  You are overwhelmed with all that you have on your plate to do.  An important colleague or one of your family members comes to you with an urgent request that you had not anticipated.  How do you react?

We all have developed reactive strategies that get engaged when such problems emerge.  The reaction is usually automatic and less-than-conscious on our part.  These strategies are deeply engrained and can easily throw us into the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT).  When it does, we react from one of the three DDT roles: Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer.

The basic reactive strategy of a Victim is to assume powerlessness and/or hopelessness; to give in to the situation or person (which is seen as the Persecutor); and, perhaps, to begin to look for a Rescuer to provide a way out.  “Why does this always happen to me?” the Victim may lament.

A Persecutor is likely take control or to turn and blame the situation/person, for their basic reactive strategy is take the offensive.  “You’ve got to be kidding! Do you think I’m just going to drop everything at this moment?  You should have told me about this a long time ago!  It’s not my problem!”

On the other hand, a Rescuer is much more apt to drop everything to respond to – and please – the other person, which is their primary strategy.  “Oh, of course!  Let’s take care of it and I can finish what I was doing later.”  However, once the situation is past and they get back to what they were originally doing, resentment for the interruption often begins to brew.

The antidote to the DDT and its reactive strategies lies in TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) and its’ roles of Creator, Challenger and Coach.  As we cultivate and grow into this way of being, we develop new, more resourceful and effective strategies for choosing our response to situations as they arise.

Next week we will look at the same scenario through the perspective of TED* and how we can respond in more empowered and resourceful ways.

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT} ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.  Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

“You can’t do this work without doing this work.” 

This is a major mantra of the TED* Practitioner Program.  For those of us who desire to serve others by applying the frameworks and processes available through TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) ™, it is important to apply them – first and foremost – to our own work and lives. 

Whether serving as a Co-Creator, Challenger or Coach, this work is not something to “do to” others.  We cannot make “shift happen” in others.  If we are able to see the other as a Creator in their own right, we know that the power and responsibility for change stays with them.

What we can do – and the work that is ours to do – is to model for others how we make shift happen in our own lives as we grow beyond the drama roles of Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer.  That is how we “do this work.”  By doing our own work of living empowered lives, we invite, model, and support others in doing what is theirs to do.

This past week, we welcomed the third cohort of TED* Practitioners to Bainbridge Island.  They came from as far away as Australia. Their ages ranged from mid-20s to early-70s.  They are therapists, coaches, educators, business people, entrepreneurs, public leaders – all committed to more fully understanding the “complexity behind the simplicity” of TED* and applying it in their lives.

Look for their names, faces and areas of service soon on the TED* Practitioner page of our website.  In the meantime, keep doing the work that is yours to do!

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!