TED* Thoughts

It must be Jennifer Waldron week here on “TED* Thoughts!”  Last night, she sent an email (thanks!) with the link to a most inspiring video of Nick Vujicic – which has been making its way around the internet.  (Only watch it when you can both laugh and cry!)

It reminds me of a quote included in The Power of TED*: “What determines your destiny is not the hand you’re dealt, but how you play the hand.”

Nick clearly faces the lifelong Challenger of the physical “hand” he was dealt and could have easily “folded” and legitimately lived out his life as a Victim and from the Victim Orientation.  Instead, he clearly has responded as a Creator and inspired adopting a Creator Orientation in others!

Many of us are holding and facing less-than-ideal “hands we’ve been dealt” these days.  Whether it is effects if the economy; health challenges; relationship challenges; or whatever – how we play the hand depends on how we play life.  Is it Victim or Creator?

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Shortly before the original publication of the first edition of The Power of TED*, I learned about the “other TED.” (Actually, at the time, there were two others – one was the ill-fated discount airline carrier of United Airlines.)

The other TED is absolutely awesome!

TED is an acronym for Technology, Entertainment and Design, which started as an annual conference for leading-edge thinkers in those three areas – and beyond – way back in 1984! Its’ tag line is “ideas worth spreading.”

While I have not had the opportunity to attend one of these premier conferences (though I know a number of individuals who have), I have taken the time to view a wide range of videos that are posted on their site.

One of my favorites – and a favorite of many (over 1.25 million views on YouTube alone!) – is Jean Bolte Taylor’s “Stroke of Insight.”  Her story is both fascinating and a supreme example of one who could have easily reacted to her experience as a Victim, yet was clearly in a Creator Orientation (and a scientist mindset), who learned from the Challenger that was her stroke.

Jean – and TED – reminds us that sharing our stories, our insights, and our “ideas worth spreading” is what being Co-Creators is all about!

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

 This past weekend, I found myself thinking about Jennifer’s comment on last week’s “TED* Behind Bars” post – especially her statement about “my own personal prison.” 

Over and over, I have seen this in my own life and in my coaching of others.  It is especially true for those of us whose primary role in the Dreaded Drama Triangle is that of Rescuer. 

How many times have leaders/managers complained about how overworked and out of work-life balance they are?  Way too many!  As we explore deeper, it is often the case that the have become prisoners (or Victims) of their own making by becoming the “go to person” or “chief fire fighter” or just the “expert” who has seen it all and knows it all.  Over time, the system becomes dependent on their playing the Rescuer (or hero) with all the answers by their employees and/or others they work around.

During this exploration, I will ask what the hoped-for payoff is for being the Rescuer, which is often connected to being seen as important, helpful or (again) the hero.   Then we look at the unintended consequences of playing this role.  This is where they come to see how they have bred dependency – and with everyone now dependent upon them, the pressures and weight of always having to be there becomes their “own personal prison.”

The way to escape this particular prison is to shift into the Coach role of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) and to be helpful in facilitating others’ clarification and discernment of how to respond to situations and create their own outcomes. (For more on this, see last month’s “TED* Letter” newsletter). 

BTW, this is also true in family dynamics.  Being the “fixer of others” can become another context for constructing our “own personal prison.”

 Thanks, Jennifer, for the provocative (Challenger) comments!

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 ”TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

This is a special day in a number of ways.  First, it is the 9^th day of the 8^th month of 2010, so it is 8-9-10, as we track dates in the U.S.  You can make of that what you will.   :)

It is also the 90^th birthday of our dear friend – and “Gold Heart” Creator – Rae Cheney.  Rae is a remarkable woman in many, many ways and her story deserves to become a book (and may someday).  She is so vital and alive, my almost 30-year-old stepdaughter declares, “I want to be like Rae NOW!” (This was in response to the usual “I want to be like Rae when I am 90.”)

A most poignant part of her life story is how she – along with her daughter Jerilyn Brusseau – has turned sorrow into service over the past 40 years.  In 1969, Rae’s son and Jerilyn’s younger brother was shot down and killed while piloting a helicopter in Vietnam. 

This tragic turn of events could easily have turned the family into a grieving reaction rooted in the DDT (Dreaded Drama Triangle), seeing Dan and themselves as Victims and either the war itself or the Vietnamese as the Persecutor.

Instead, they took the response of a Creator to this deepest of sorrows.  Jerilyn and her late husband Danaan Parry, founded PeaceTrees Vietnam.  From their website:

“PeaceTrees Vietnam was founded in 1995 to renew relationships with the people of Vietnam and promote a safe, healthy future for its families & children.  We sponsor demining and mine risk education, survivor assistance, citizen diplomacy trips and community building projects in partnership with the people of Quang Tri Province.”

As the history posted on the website shares:

“The idea for PeaceTrees Vietnam arose from a desire to turn sorrow into service. In 1969 an American, Daniel Cheney, was killed when his helicopter was shot down in one of the southern provinces. His sister, Jerilyn Brusseau, was heartbroken that she had lost her beloved younger brother. Instead of turning her loss into anger and hatred, she vowed that one day when the war was over she would work to build bridges of peace and friendship between the American and Vietnamese peoples. She wanted to do all that she could do to help heal the emotional and environmental wounds of the war.”

Donna and I have visited PeaceTrees Vietnam and it is truly a place of love-in-action, healing and growth.

Rae has volunteered with PeaceTrees since the beginning:

“Considered the ‘heart’ of the organization, she does everything from helping with events to writing personal thank-you notes to thousands of donors, large and small.  A retired banking professional and mother of Daniel Cheney… she has dedicated her post-retirement life to the organization and supports its daily operations tirelessly with untold volunteer hours.”

Rae has made an extraordinary commitment to further healing by deciding to make her first trip to Vietnam next month.  Rae and her inspiring story will be the subject of this month’s “TED* Letter” newsletter.

Happy Birthday, Rae – and thanks for setting being such an inspiring Creator!

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TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

The July 24, 2009 “Pickles” comic strip features two older gentlemen sitting on a park bench who have the following exchange:

             Earl: “You know what really ticks me off?… Old people who sit around and complain about things.”

            Friend: “But You’re an old person and you sit around complaining about things.”

            Earl: “I know. And that really ticks me off.”

Ever notice how much time we all spend focused on what we don’t like or what’s wrong with this, that and the other thing?  It is oh-so-easy to be pulled into the “kinship of victimhood,” reacting to day-to-day problems and events. (For more on the “kinship,” see the August, 2008 issue of “The TED* Letter.”)

That same day, in reading an entry in my friend Bonnie’s blog in which she mentions declaring her Tuesdays as “wine-free,” the thought struck:

Let’s declare this and every Wednesday “Whineless Wednesday!”

Practice the discipline of shifting your focus to what you want and care about whenever you find yourself about to whine or complain.  As Harvard psychologist, Robert Kegan, first observed,  behind every complaint is a commitment.  If I complain about inconsiderate drivers, I am doing so because I am committed to being a courteous and safe driver. 

So when the whine shows up in your head, don’t let it pass your lips!  Ask yourself, what is the commitment behind my complaint?  Speak to your commitment: “That person’s driving reminds me of my commitment to safe and courteous driving.”  And if you experience someone trying to pull you into the kinship of victimhood, rather than responding by reinforcing the complaint, speak to their commitment: “Gee, I can see that courteous and safe driving is important to you.  It is to me too.”

So make this Wednesday – and every Wednesday – a day of practice and commit to a “Whineless Wednesday!”

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 “TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Do you know that you can translate a message in Outlook with a few clicks of your computer mouse?  We didn’t, until a couple days ago when we received a message that was written in Swedish.  Try as we might – and with only a distant memory of German from 2 years of study in high school – there was just no way to make out what the message was saying.  About all that was discernable was that it referred to some dates.

Then, quite by accident, a right click of the mouse showed an option to translate.  Lo and behold there is a way to translate from many different languages into other languages.  So we highlighted the message, set the options to translate from Swedish to English and – magic! – there in the right hand column appeared the message!  While it was not a perfect translation, enough was there to make it clear that it was an “auto-respond”, “out of office” message.  It was generated upon receipt of the July, 2009 issue of the “TED* Letter.” (“Addicted to Drama – Part II”).

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could so simply “translate” the thoughts and intentions that drive the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) easily into expressions of The Empowerment Dynamic (TED)?  Perhaps if we listen deeply to someone who is reacting as a Victim, we can translate their complaint into an understanding of their deeper commitment and to what they care most about as a Creator.  Maybe, when one turns to us as a Rescuer and wants us to “fix” them, we could translate that desire for solutions by becoming a Coach and helping them find their own way – with our support.  Perhaps a Persecutor could translate the intention behind their challenge by speaking to the learning they are hoping to spark – thus becoming a conscious constructive Challenger.

With practice – LOTS of practice – we can grow into translators for ourselves and others as we learn to speak more fluently the language of TED*.

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 “TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

In a recent phone conversation with Diane Dennis about next fall’s Charter TED* Practitioner Program, she made a statement that has continued to stay with me.  We were talking (no surprise) about the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) and its roles of Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer.  Specifically, we talked about how many people who are in the “helping professions” often unwittingly enter into their field from the perspective of a Rescuer.

Then Diane threw in this zinger:  “One of my favorite statements is ‘I will rescue you, if you…’ (and then fill in the blank).” 

“I will rescue you, if you…”

• will love me
• will stay with me/not abandon me
• see me as “right”
• see me as a hero
• acknowledge how smart I am
• “shape up and fly right”
• see me as a good person
• do what I want you to do

And this is just a top-of-mind list! 

A Rescuer often is operating with an unstated “bargain,”  which is what the “if you…” is all about.  It is usually not even conscious on their part.  And – here’s the “kicker” – when the person they are seeking to rescue (i.e. a Victim) does not follow through on their end of the unstated the Rescuer then assumes the Victim role.  And the drama continues.

What is you experience?  How would you complete the sentence, “I will rescue you, if you will…”  How might have the rescuers in your life completed the sentence?

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“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

A friend recently sent a series of inspirational sayings, one of which was:

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

Part of the human experience is that “storms happen.”  Whether it is the weather, or the Challenger of a disrespectful teenager (or spouse, friend, or coworker) or ill health or loss of economic resources, how we choose to respond depends on which orientation – Victim or Creator – we are centered in.

As a Victim, we will engage in reacting through various forms of fight, flight or freeze.

As a Creator, we will choose our response – even while we acknowledge to ourselves that we feel victimized – and focus on what we want to create or what our options for action might be.  It may be raining, but we can choose to dance.

A corollary to this saying is one of my favorites: “Don’t curse the darkness, light a candle” (the subject of one of my earliest blogs).

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

(People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.)

7.      End of the Day of Reflection

Finally, at the end of the day, take at least 10 minutes to reflect back on the day. You may choose to do this while flossing, brushing your teeth and preparing for bed.

Better yet, sit in a chair in a quiet room for 10 minutes.

Replay the day in much the same way as the every-two-hour-time-out.  Ask yourself the following questions:

• Looking back, when were you operating from the problem-focused Victim Orientation and when were you centered in the Creator Orientation? 
• What were your successes – what went well?  What did you do that supports your intention to live more consistently as a Creator?
• What roles did you take on in the course of the day?
• When you fell into a Dreaded Drama Triangle role, if you could declare a “do over,” how might you have made the shift into the corresponding more empowered and resourceful TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) role?
• If you were reacted as a Victim, how could you have shifted into a Creator and chosen a different response?  If Persecutor, how might you have stepped up as a Challenger?  And if a Rescuer, how could you have served, instead, as a Coach?
• What were the lessons learned from the day?

As you review the day, don’t judgethe day or yourself as good or bad – just discern where you are and how you might continue to grow. Then let the day go, know that you will begin tomorrow by refocusing on the outcomes you want to create in your life.

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)

(People often ask about tips to putting The Power of TED* into practice on a daily basis.  In response, I developed the 7 Daily Practices. These seven relatively simple – though not always easy – daily disciplines will increase your capacity to live as a Creator and cultivate TED* roles and relationships.)

6.      Speak to What You Want

Don’t be seduced by the Kinship of Victimhood, in which we collude with others in perpetuating the “gee, ain’t it awful” perspective of the Victim. This kinship keeps us firmly focused on what we don’t want and don’t like, which is deeply rooted in the Victim/Problem Orientation. 

Instead, as a Creator, speak to choices and to what you want.  Stay focused on the outcomes you are creating and/or how you choose to respond to a situation.  If someone complains or tries to entice you into the “kinship,” speak to what it is that they care about (as Robert Kegan says, “Behind every complaint lies a commitment”).   For instance, if they complain about the weather, perhaps you can respond about how one can deal with the heat (or cold).  Also, encourage others to speak to what they want to create in their lives.

In order to stay in a Creator Orientation and centered on outcomes, you may need to reframe a problem that you, or the other person, face.  For more on problem reframing, see the May, 2010 issue of the “TED* Letter.”

By speaking to what you want, you will be much more empowered and resourceful – for yourself and those with whom you interact.

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(“TED* Thoughts” is published three times a week [at least most of the time]. It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Drama Triangle [or the Dreaded Drama Triangle] to The Empowerment Dynamic [TED*].  Please help spread TED* by sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.  To the Creator in you!)