One of the fastest ways to feel like a Victim is to compare yourself to others.
We all do this. Comparing seems innate to the human ego that requires dividing and distinguishing to feel unique. You may say to yourself: “Why can’t I look that beautiful or be that smart or talented?” Another thought might be: “I really don’t know what I am doing but other people sure seem to.” Or, “I wish I could get the same recognition from my boss as he gives others.”
We create our own internal Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) ™ when we compare our self to others. The self-criticism becomes an inner-Persecutor dynamic of our own making. What’s more confusing is when one part of yourself Persecutes, another part feels victimized and this all happens at the same time! This is the baffling nature of the DDT framework at work within our own selves.
When you feel like a Victim to the internal Persecutor that is comparing you to others, you will naturally start looking for a Rescuer. At this point you are treading on thin ice. You have created your own anxiety, which justifies a Rescuer that may take unhealthy forms. The Rescuer might be an overindulgence of food, alcohol, drugs, a drama-filled relationship, wasting time, or any number of ways to help you numb your anxiety.
Do people who appear outwardly confident also compare? Of course—-just in different ways. Self-pride statements might sound like: “At least I am not as bad as so-and-so” or “See how beautiful I look tonight.” When this internal chatter occurs, you are using critical and disparaging comparisons toward others to help your small ego feel better.
Pride is not authentic confidence. Self-pride is referred to as one of the seven deadly sins because it covers up the small-self that is driving the comparison. In general, it is safe to say that boastful people are not aware of their true inner feelings of insignificance and self-loathing.
Even if you never speak or think critical and comparing thoughts, odds are if you secretly put others down, it is a crafty but destructive rescuing strategy to ease your own internal pain.
The comparison strategy is so toxic because you can swing from putting yourself down one moment, to criticizing others in the next. It can be a baffling and exhausting way to live. It takes a lot of energy to keep the comparison cycle going and nothing good is going to come from it.
The first step toward breaking this cycle is to slow down and listen to what you are “saying” internally. Just notice. Do not be critical of your comparing thoughts. That will only make things worse. Noticing how this cycle may be operating in you is the key.
When you hear yourself comparing, reflect upon one thing you are grateful for. It might be as small as the cup of tea you are drinking. It might be recognizing and naming what you appreciate about the other person to whom you are comparing yourself (“I appreciate that she/he really is beautiful, smart, talented, etc” or “He/she deserves the recognition they receive for their creativity and hard work.”). It is amazing how fast gratitude and identifying positive traits of self and others interrupts the internal destructive comparison conversation.
Commit yourself to breaking the comparison cycle and you will notice less internal DDT chatter—which makes room for the Creator in you to emerge!