As “recovering Rescuers,” we have both struggled with asking for help. Our job is to help everyone else, not focus on ourselves. And if we need help, our wrong-headed reasoning convinces us that there must be something wrong with us that we would need help from others.
When we resist asking for help, it is a cardinal sign that one or both of us are stuck in the Rescuing role by fixing the situation or saving others. It’s not pretty watching two Rescuers trying to “one up” each other by being overly helpful but not allowing the other to help. Whew! What drama!
We have noticed it also may be hard for Persecutors to ask for help. They don’t like asking for help because Persecutors want to control the situation and if they ask for help, they may get information that doesn’t fit their plan.
People stuck in the Victim mentality don’t like asking for support either, because if they ask for support, they might have to take responsibility to create an empowered life–which Victims want to avoid.
Not asking for help or support is a huge issue for anyone stuck in the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) ™. The rationale behind not asking for help may be different, but the pattern keeps all three roles in the reactive DDT patterns.
In order to shift into the TED* roles of Creator, Challenger and Coach, it is essential to first recognize the behavior that keeps you in the DDT roles. We guarantee, from personal experience, that resisting asking for help will keep you in the reactive roles of Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor. Observe when you resist asking for help. Do you:
- Assume that others should be able to read your mind and know what you need or want?
- Assume that you should know what others are thinking and therefore don’t ask for their input or support?
- Criticize yourself or apologize for asking for help?
- Feel exhausted or isolated because you resist asking for support?
- Become angry or frustrated when others ask how they can support you?
When we resist asking for help, we may not see ourselves as co-creators on equal footing with others. This keeps us separate and unable to co-create together.
We are all partners in the creating process. We invite you to take note when you resist asking (and receiving) help from others. When you see yourself and others as fellow Co-Creators, the limiting idea that you can “go it alone” begins to fall away and you will be ready to more fully embrace an empowered life.