TED* Works!™ in Relationships – Part 1

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February 5, 2012

February 5, 2012

February is the month of Valentine’s Day – a time to celebrate love, romance and gifts of acknowledging the important relationships in our lives.  So, this month, the focus of “TED* Thoughts” will be on applying TED* to relationships.

A while back, I received the following email from an individual who had read The Power of TED* and was challenged to apply it in their primary relationship:

I’ve been re-reading The Power of TED*… I understand and it makes a whole lot of sense, about focusing on the outcomes – the positive.  In TED* you write about changing from the Victim Orientation to Creator. The Victim focuses on problems and what she doesn’t want. While a Creator focuses on a vision or an outcome.

In a relationship, the person who has a victim orientation would see a circumstance that comes up that is a problem, and address it as a problem.  Say it is a recurring problem that the other person continually does (behavior), and the person in the victim orientation gets upset about it and an argument ensues. If the person has a Creator Orientation, this does not make the behavior/problem go away.

The behavior/problem continues. So how does having a Creator Orientation change the circumstance?  If the person focuses on what they want the outcome to be (envisioning a different behavior than the one she is seeing) – then what does one do with that? 

Here was my response:

Your question is a good one – and my response may not be all that satisfying.  The reason is that one cannot “create” an envisioned outcome for another person.  In my relationship with my wife, for instance, if there was a behavior of hers that I deemed as a problem (not that it ever happens in our relationship – LOL!), I could “tell the truth about my current reality” (how the behavior impacts me); share why it is important to me and the relationship; and request an alternate behavior.

However, whether or not she responds to my request is going to be – in the end – up to her.

If her behavior does not change, then – as a Creator – I would need to “see current reality for what it is” (not what I want it to be) and then to explore what my range of choices are in response to the continued behavior. Depending on the situation, it may necessitate setting certain boundaries or disengaging/withdrawing when the behavior occurs. While easier said than done, I would tell her up-front and before the behavior occurs what my response will be when it does happen.

One of the most difficult realities we face in relationships is coming to see that we cannot make the other person in the relationship change.  All we can do – ultimately – is to choose our response to the situation.  You are absolutely correct that adopting a Creator Orientation does not necessarily mean that problems – or, in this case, a particular problem – goes away.  By requesting what we want, things might change and they might not.   This is especially true in intimate and personal relationships.

Adopting a Creator Orientation, unfortunately, is not a panacea for all the challenges we face.  Problems are part of the human experience.  However, we increase our resilience and resourcefulness when we meet those challenges from a Creator Orientation.-

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

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TED* Works!™ at Work (Relationship Dynamics)

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January 17, 2012

January 17, 2012

Last week I introduced an interview with Meg Wheatley, consultant and author, by Art Kleiner, which appeared in strategy+business magazine.  She clearly described the impact of the Victim Orientation and a Creator Orientation on an organization and the work environment.

The problem-focused, fear-based and reactive Victim Orientation is fertile soil for the growing of the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT)™ (first described as the Karpman Drama Triangle).  In such an environment, virtually everyone feels like a Victim, be it to the Persecutor of the economic environment, the competition, one’s “boss” (no matter what level in the hierarchy in which one works), another department or co-worker – and the list goes on.

When the toxic brew of the DDT gets engaged, much time, talent and energy gets consumed by various strategies to protect oneself (i.e. “CYA”), looking for someone or something to blame and hoping-against-hope that some Rescuer will come forward to save the day, right the ship, and make it all OK – and to return things to the “good old days.”

And the good old days are just that… in the past.

If the economic prognosticators are correct, the economic realities we all face and their impact on organizations of all kinds are likely never going back, the “recovery” is likely to be unlike what we have experienced before and, therefore, the way forward is calling for a new way of responding.

Enter TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.

Rooted in a Creator Orientation in which we are outcome-focused, passion-powered and taking action that is creating in nature, TED* calls forth a more resourceful and empowering way of working and relating to one another.

I am reminded of the late Steve Jobs.  While I have not read his biography, my own observation of his resuming the helm of Apple after having been ousted as CEO will serve as an example.  At the time, Apple had lost an enormous amount of its market share and previous leadership had tried the traditional reaction of cutting costs and shrinking the company.

Instead, (again, this is my “armchair observation”), rather that continuing the problem-focused and reactivity of his predecessors, Jobs focused on what could be created.  The result, initially, was to introduce the I-Mac (along with the unheard of features of different colors of the case).  As the company took Baby Steps forward in service to innovation, over time it introduced I-Tunes, the I-Phone and the I-Pad, along with upgrading its computer offerings.

Legend has it that Jobs could certainly be, at times, a Persecutor in his response to others.  However, consistent with TED*, he also served as a Challenger, asked the provocative questions of a Coach (e.g. “What wants to be created?) and was an exemplar of a Creator.

By cultivating and gaining competence as Creators, Challengers and Coaches, we can respond to the challenges we face in our organizations by shifting our focus from reacting to creating.

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

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TED* Works!™ at Work (Orientations)

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January 8, 2012

January 8, 2012

Note: This “TED* Thoughts” begins a new series that will run throughout 2012.  Each month will focus on a particular aspect of life in which to apply TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)™.  This month it will be at work – and work can be in any kind of organizational setting.  In addition, each week will be focusing on a different facet of the TED* framework.  I hope you enjoy this new format!

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A friend and colleague recently sent me an interview with Meg Wheatley, consultant and author of a number of books (including one that had a profound impact on me: Leadership and the New Science: Learning about Organization from an Orderly Universe [Berrett-Koehler, 1992].  The interview by Art Kleiner appeared in strategy+business magazine.

There were many, many quotable statements, several of which I will share in this and later “TED* Thoughts.”

When asked why perseverance is important, she replied:

“Everyone is working harder, and in most cases, in greater isolation. The current pace of work and life, along with increasing fear and anxiety, make it more difficult to have the energy and enthusiasm to keep going. Years of good efforts have been swept away by events beyond anyone’s control, such as the economic crisis or the natural disasters of the past decade…”

She later added:

“In most companies, we do not have (and I believe won’t have for the foreseeable future) the money to fund the work that we have to do. Leaders have two choices. One, they can tap the invisible resource of people who become self-motivated when invited to engage together. This approach has well-documented results in higher productivity, innovation, and motivation, but it requires a shift from a fear-based approach to a belief in the capacity of most people to contribute, to be creative, and to be motivated internally. Alternatively, they can continue to slash and burn, tightening controls, and using coercive methods to enforce the cuts. This destroys capacity, yet it is the more common approach these days.”

When challenging realities face us, the default of most individuals is to “go reactive.”  In other words, the default is to seek protection in the false hope of the Victim Orientation.  In this way of thinking, interacting and taking action, we put our focus on the problems confronting us, which engages our anxiety and fear that then fuels reactive behavior.  That reactive behavior is usually some form of “fight, flight, or freeze” and leads to the types of actions Wheatley describes.

But there is another more empowering and resourceful choice that faces leaders and everyone in the workplace.

By adopting and committing to a Creator Orientation, we actually increase our capacity to rise to the challenges we face and to take action that can still move us forward and gain the higher engagement, productivity, innovation and motivation of which Wheatley speaks.

In a Creator Orientation, our focus is on the envisioned outcomes that we want to create.  Placing our attention on what we want to create then taps the motivational power of our passion which propels us to take the Baby Steps to move toward and accomplish the outcome(s).  The actions we take inevitably still include solving problems, but we are much better equipped to prioritize and choose the problems to tackle those that are in service to our vision.

As you face whatever your particular challenges are in your organization – as a leader, a team member or an individual contributor – by remembering to focus on what you want to create and tapping the inner motivation to go after it, you are stepping into the Creator role of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic).  Doing so will contribute to the effectiveness of yourself and those around you because we know that TED* Works!

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

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Permanent link to this article: http://powerofted.com/ted-works-at-work-orientations

Testing New Blog

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January 5, 2012

January 5, 2012

As you may know, we here at The Power of TED* have made a Fresh Start with a website design among other things this year. This blog post is simply a test to see how the new bits are working. If you are receiving this haven’t seen our new site yet, please do come over and take a peek. We’d love to hear your thoughts!

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Fresh Start

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January 1, 2012

January 1, 2012

Welcome to 2012!  The beginning of a New Year is an opportunity for a fresh start.  (And speaking of fresh starts, notice the new “look” of “TED* Thoughts” and check out our new website!)

Chances are that the majority of blogs written this past week – like this TED* Thoughts – are focused on resolutions, goals and intentions for the year ahead.  Rather than focus on specific plans and objectives, I invite you to join me in the following framework within which such outcomes can be created:

  1. Let go of the past – It can be helpful in preparing for a fresh start to review what has come before.  If your year had been like mine, it has had lows and highs; breakdowns and breakthroughs; failures and successes.  That is the nature of the human experience.  Learning from experience is an important part of being a Creator.  Retain the lessons learned, reconcile the past to the past, and turn your attention to today and the future.  For some, letting go of the past requires practicing forgiveness (for more, see the December, 2010 “TED* Letter”).
  2. Set your Orientation – Adopt a Creator Orientation.  Focus on the outcomes you want to create.  Tap your passion for creating and for the possibilities that call to you.  As friend and colleague, Abby Straus, shared in a New Years Day email, “The future doesn’t come to you. It comes through you.”  In addition, as a Creator, choose your response to the circumstances that arise in your life.  You create through the choices you make.
  3. Co-Create – You cannot not create.  You also cannot create without some form of collaboration – seen or unseen; physically, mentally and/or spiritually (for more, see the January, 2011 “TED* Letter”).  As you take action in manifesting your outcomes, interact with others through the roles of Creator, Challenger and Coach that make up TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic).  Create by harnessing Dynamic Tension: envision outcomes, tell the truth about current reality, and commit to taking Baby Steps toward your vision.
  4. Reflect on your experience – As you work Dynamic Tension and take Baby Steps, pause to reflect on what is working; what is not working; and what you are learning.
  5. Acknowledge contributions – As you co-create, recognize and express gratitude for successes, forward progress and the support you receive from collaborators (whether seen or unseen).  And acknowledge and appreciate your own role in achieving outcomes.

May this framework help you in making a fresh start in creating your future and the best year ever!

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

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Permanent link to this article: http://powerofted.com/fresh-start

Through the Darkness and into the Light

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December 26, 2011

December 26, 2011

Yesterday Christians around the world celebrated the birth of an awesome Creator named Jesus of Nazareth.  For millennia other cultures and faiths have had traditions and some sort of recognition and celebration of the “return of the light” (at least here in the Northern Hemisphere).

In the cycle of the seasons, from fall through winter darkness has reached its zenith and now the light has begun its ascent toward spring and summer.

Creation – and creating – occurs in all seasons.  In fact, creating draws from both the darkness and the light.

This recognition came to mind this morning during our “quiet time” and after reading the morning paper, which contained an article on the movie writer-director, Cameron Crowe.  Writer Jake Coyle asked Crowe about the source of his positivity toward life – including the experiences of times of darkness.

His reply was that of a Creator clearly taking a Creator Orientation toward life:

“It’s innate and a goal… to battle back the daily hurdles or the challenges and just say, ‘How can I turn this into a positive?’ It’s interesting how sometimes positivity is the door that opens to a greater understanding of how to deal with the darkness.”

We all experience seasons of darkness – it is part of the human experience and the natural order of Creation.  However, rather than succumbing and adopting the role of Victim and reacting to them as Persecutors, we can choose to unlock “the door to a greater understanding of how to deal with the darkness,” by responding to such experiences as Challengers that call forth learning and growth and resourcefulness.

That is what it means to grow through the darkness and into the light.

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.  

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

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No Problem

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December 12, 2011

December 12, 2011

This past week I had the privilege and pleasure of facilitating a certification program for The Leadership Circle in the San Francisco area.  The cusomer service representative, who was very pleasant and attentive, always responded to my “thank you” with the reply “no problem.”  It reminded me of the following previous post.

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We are a problem-focused culture – and probably planet.  Just one look or listen of the news brings a litany of the daily blues and Challengers of the world.

One everyday example of our problem-centric mindset is the emergence over the past decade or so of the response of “No problem” that we often get when we thank someone.  (This may be an idiom particular to the particularly U.S.  – I really am not certain.)

The next time you are in a restaurant or the grocery or somewhere you are being “served,” notice what the response is when you say “thank you.”  There is a better-than-even chance that you will hear “no problem” at least as often “you’re welcome” (or some other affirming response).

Why do I have a problem with “no problem?”  Only that the language subtly reinforces the problem-focused Victim Orientation.  It keeps us psychological interacting around what we don’t want, which is a problem.

From a Creator Orientation, it seems to me that, in additional to the traditional “you’re welcome,” something that reinforces a positive outcome is in order (after all, we are thanking the other because of a positive outcome).  Responses like “glad you like it” or “happy to” or “it’s my pleasure” keeps the focus on what we want and like.

In the coming days, pay attention to how you respond when people say “thanks” to you and respond in the affirmative.  The subtle ways we use language can really influence the course of an interaction or conversation.

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.  

 

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

 

To the Creator in you!

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Participants in Creation

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December 4, 2011

December 4, 2011

Years ago I had the privilege of serving on the board of trustees of my church.  Like a lot of spiritual communities, each year we would adopt a theme to guide our worship and activities.  Recently I came across an old sweatshirt with one of those themes:

“Participants in Creation: Committed to Spirit and Service.”

Not bystanders.  Not spectators.  Participants.

Every thought, every word, every deed is an act of creating – and creation. 

Even reacting is creating.  If we are reacting to what we don’t like or don’t want, we are reinforcing the Victim Orientation.  In so doing, we are quite likely creating, perpetuating or engaging the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT)™ (aka the Karpman Drama Triangle).  Whether Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer, we are participants in creating more drama in the world.

By adopting a Creator Orientation and focusing on what we want to create and how we choose to respond to our life experiences, we are participants in conscious living – and encourage others to do the same through our thoughts, words and actions.  As a Creator, Challenger and Coach, we lift our relationships to a more resourceful reality by engaging and participating in TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.

As we go through our week, let’s pause every few hours and ask ourselves: what am I participating in creating?

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT]™) to TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)™.  

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

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Creating and Risk

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November 27, 2011

November 27, 2011

“The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.  All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.  A whole stream of events issues from the decision which no one could have dreamed would have come their way”

-          W.H. Murray

This often cited quote began the November 20th reading in Mark Nepo’s The Book of Awakening, from which my wife and I read virtually every morning. Nepo went on to write:

“We’d all like a guarantee before making a decision or taking a risk, but the irony is that taking the risk is what opens up to our fate.  It’s like wanting to know what the things will taste like before putting them in your mouth.  It just can’t be figured out that way.”

As a Creator, we often do not know – especially at the beginning of the creating process – if what we want to create is even, in fact, possible.  I often cite the Wright Brothers (having grown up near Dayton, Ohio) as two individuals who had a passionately held vision of heavier-than-air human flight.  They held to this vision, even through failures and breakthroughs, as well as in the face of the best scientific and engineering minds of the day that were telling them that what they envisioned “defied the laws of physics.”

Next month (December 17th) we celebrate the 108th anniversary of their breakthrough first sustained flight.

They took great risks in pursuing this “hobby” of theirs and continued to draw on their passion which fueled the heart of their creating.  They were committed, but far from assured of success.

In fact, in an interview of Orville Wright, long after their success, a reporter asked what he and his brother were really after in their experimentation.  “Was it fame? Was it fortune?” he asked.

I’ve always loved Orville’s response: “Sir, if what my brother and I were after was either fame or fortune, we would have chosen a project with a much higher probability of success.”

Creating is not risk-free.  There may be setbacks and there may be seeming failures.  But, as Creators, we learn from them.  And we never know when the next Baby Step will, indeed, give us flight!

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.  

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

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Forgiveness and Thanksgiving

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November 21, 2011

November 21, 2011

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope of ever having a better past,” the character of Ted teaches in The Power of TED*.  He goes on to say, “There’s nothing you can do to change the past, but you can choose how you think about what has already happened in your life. You then apply the learning from that experience to the process of creating what you care about.”

This is as true in forgiving ourselves as it is in forgiving another person or life experience.  The roles and dynamics of the Karpman Drama Triangle, or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) ™, can take place totally within yourself.  I don’t know about you, but I can be the Victim to my own internal Persecutor (i.e. Critic).  I can also turn to my inner Rescuer, who says something like “don’t worry about it – it’s OK.”

Self-forgiveness is on my mind a lot these days – most recently involving this “TED* Thoughts” blog post.  I normally write a posting and schedule it to go out Saturday or Sunday evening.  I did “not get to it” this weekend, for a variety of reasons, and I cannot go back into the past to write it.   

So here I am at noon on Monday, writing, creating and expressing what I care about, which is increasing my own (and others) capacity to be at choice and to grow into adopting a Creator Orientation to our lives – and learning from experience.

Creators cultivate compassion and gratitude for the human experience and for the lessons learned along the way.

Speaking of gratitude, in the United States this is the week in which we celebrate Thanksgiving Day.  On the one hand, it is a day and season of pausing and giving thanks and expressing gratitude for the bounty of blessings in life.  On the other hand, for some it can also be a time of drama as families gather.

If the latter is the case for you, this can be a time to practice forgiveness, cultivate compassion and to see the drama as a Challenger with lessons to learn – and past patterns to move beyond.  This begins by seeing the other as, ultimately, a Creator in their own right – whether they act like it or not and whether they know or own it or not.

Forgive – yourself, others and unpleasant life experiences – by giving up the hope of a better past and replacing it with hope of a better future through the choices you make as a Creator.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.  

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

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Permanent link to this article: http://powerofted.com/forgiveness-and-thanksgiving

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