Choosing Health

This month’s “TED* Thoughts” theme is on health and health empowerment.  We chose this to coincide with next week’s American Diabetes Association’s “Diabetes Alert Day” (March 27th) and as a time to announce the pending publication of TED* for Diabetes: A Health Empowerment Story, which I am co-authoring with Scott Conard, M.D.  The book will be available sometime in late spring (so stay tuned!).

The new book – like The Power of TED* – is a fictional account of one person’s challenges which, in this case, is that of receiving the diagnosis of type 2 diabetes.  While the book deals with diabetes as the presenting disease, anyone with a life-threatening or lifestyle-altering chronic ailment will benefit from applying TED’s ways of thinking, relating, and taking action in response to health challenges.

The story in TED* for Diabetes parallels my own journey and relationship with type 2 diabetes, which officially began over 5 years ago.  How that relationship evolved and where it is currently will be the topic of next week’s blog. This week I want to start at the beginning with the reaction I experienced, which is so typical for anyone being told that they have a chronic disease.

I was shocked.  “How could this happen to me!?” I pleaded. (Of course I had ignored for a long time a number of family physicians advising me to lose weight, eat healthy and exercise more.)

Immediately I found myself deep in the mire of the Victim Orientation.  Diabetes loomed as a diabolical problem which engaged high anxiety for the quality of my life.  The fear about the state of my health caused me to then react, over time, in all its basic forms: fight (“I am going to lick this”), flight (“maybe they made a mistake and it will just go away”) and freeze (“this can’t be real” and “I really don’t know what to do”).

The Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) was the basic frame within which I related to the diagnosis.  I was the Victim to diabetes as my Persecutor.  I wanted my doctor to be my Rescuer and to just make it go away.  Eventually (after my initial “fighting” the diabetes), I agreed to take oral medication in the hopes that it would become another Rescuer.

Characteristic of the Rescuer role in the DDT, the medication did act as a “reliever” and, along with a modest shift in diet and exercise; I was able to manage my diabetes with the blood sugar targets my medical team set for me.

But I was merely riding the rollercoaster so many with diabetes ride. I would be diligent for some time; my blood sugar would go down; my quarterly labs would come back confirming progress; feeling good about the progress, I would slack off exercise and/or let my diet slip; then see the slow increase in my daily blood sugar readings – which would also be confirmed in the quarterly lab results – only to recommit and ride the next wave of the rollercoaster.

Until this time one-year ago.  As Dr. Scott and I began the process of writing TED* for Diabetes¸ I realized that I was out of integrity in applying TED* to diabetes because I had been relating to it as a Victim.

After some good coaching from my wife I was able to clarify and declare a shift away from what I didn’t want (the problem of diabetes) to what I do want: a life of health and wellbeing.  My journey toward health empowerment began by choosing health as an outcome to create.  And with that choice, I made the shift out the Victim Orientation by adopting a Creator Orientation.

Come back next week to find where that journey has taken me in my relationship with diabetes and health.

In the meantime, go take the Diabetes Risk Test –even if you are feeling good.  Had I paid attention and taken such an assessment, I would have had a high probably of avoiding the onset of type 2 diabetes.

Here is one thing I have learned along the way: you cannot assume that “feeling good” equals “being healthy.”  Feeling OK may merely mean an absence of current illness.  As a Creator, choosing health is a whole different playing field!

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

 

 

Permanent link to this article: http://powerofted.com/choosing-health/

Exercise: A Persecutor or a Challenger?

I have been thinking a lot about health and wellness lately – and not just because I missed posting a blog yesterday due to an end-of-summer cold (yes, even a Creator can get a cold!).  Weight has always been a challenge and being diagnosed with TYPE 2 diabetes several years ago was a great attention-getter or, rather, Challenger (in the parlance of TED*).

As a result, the past few years I have developed a pretty good discipline around exercising – mostly running, biking or hitting the elliptical machine at the gym 4-5 times each week.  The other day I was running and engaging in the “inner deal making” that often accompanies my exercising: “When I get to the top of that hill, I can walk for 60 seconds,” or “how much farther do I have to go?” and “boy, this is boring and I’d rather be doing just about anything else!”

Then it struck me: I was reacting to exercise as a Persecutor!  I found myself firmly in the Victim Orientation, seeing exercise as a “necessary evil” in reaction to my weight and health challenges.

So, as I ran, I engaged the practice of shifting from a Victim to a Creator Orientation by asking myself: “What do I want here – and why am I choosing to exercise?”  The answer came clear: to create health!  From this perspective, I now see exercise as a Challenger supporting me in creating health. 

The negative self-talk has now been replaced by a “mantra” that I repeat as I run: “I am… creating health.”  It has two parts – one for the in-breath and one for the out-breath: “I am” (as I inhale) “creating health” (as I exhale).

Running has never been so enjoyable as my self-talk has been released to focus on what I want to create – while creating health!

What is your relationship with exercise?  Do you hold it as a Persecutor or a Challenger?

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Permanent link to this article: http://powerofted.com/exercise-a-persecutor-or-a-challanger/

A Legacy of Intimacy

This is a “recast” of a post from several months ago.  I am moved to share it again.  Yesterday, we attended the memorial service of Kay Millhon, long-time office manager and “keeper of the center” of the Whidbey Institute.  Her husband, Jerry, is a long-time friend and current Executive Director of the Institute. 

The Whidbey Institute is an amazing place and one of the early reasons I chose to settle in the Pacific Northwest.  It is a place for Creators, as captured in the words of the website: 

“The Whidbey Institute is a place where people connect deeply to the natural world and to each other, renew their life energy, and engage in deep conversation and learning to imagine and create an abundant, sustainable and life-affirming future.”

Visitors to the Institute – not to mention the family and friends of the communities she was a part of – all felt her welcoming presence, gentle spirit, and caring connection.  The word “intimacy” was used often as people rose to share stories and memories. 

Kay left a legacy of intimacy – and kindness.

That kindness is what brought to mind last October’s “TED* Thoughts,” reproduced below:

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 Our friend, Carol Winkler is creator of the weekly “Inspired Athlete” blog.  They are always touching and usually… well, inspiring!

One featured Dan Weldon, the young racecar driver who was tragically killed in an awful multi-car crash.  In quoting a colleague of Weldon’s who observed that “he left (others) with his kindness, his spirit,” Carol used this tragedy to highlight an important question to ponder:

What are you leaving people with through your interactions with them?

As she asks us to reflect, “Do youleave them with our kindness… or your impatience?  With your humor… or your righteousness?  With your respect… or your distain?”

I would add: do we leave them with drama or hope, empowerment and possibility?  Do we approach them as a Victim who needs our Rescuing or do we treat them as the inherent Creators that they are as support them as a Challenger and/or a Coach?

Each interaction we have with others has an impact.  What is creating in the wake of your ways of relating with others? What are you leaving them with?

Intimacy is a quality of relationship we can cultivate with anyone, be they family, friend or “just a visitor” in our lives.

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™. 

 Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Permanent link to this article: http://powerofted.com/a-legacy-of-intimacy/

TED for Practitioners

Now Accepting Applications for October 21-24, 2012 Session.
Location: Bainbridge Island, WA

 

Permanent link to this article: http://powerofted.com/only-1-seat-left/

Intimacy

TED* Works!™ in Relationships – February is the month of Valentine’s Day – a time to celebrate love, romance and gifts of acknowledging the important relationships in our lives.  So, this month, the focus of “TED* Thoughts” is on applying TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) to relationships.

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Valentine’s Day was last week.  The day before, I was having a conversation with a colleague about the day and she shared that she and her husband had mutually decided several years earlier not to celebrate it.

Before you think them “love Scrooges” (“bah humbug!”), hear their reason: why let a “Hallmark Day” determine when to surprise each other with ways to celebrate their love and romance?  She assured me that she had many such days in the course of a year – as did her husband from her.

It got me thinking even more about intimacy in important relationships, whether it is a spouse, a significant other, a family member or anyone in your life for whom you feel appreciation and connection.  In fact, intimacy is a quality of relationship you can extend to anyone with whom you interact.

Here a couple of definitions of intimacy found on line:

 ·         “innermost: relating to or involving the innermost nature of something” and “closely connected: very close because of the influence of one thing or another.”

It has been said that intimacy actually means “into me see.”  Connecting our innermost nature with the innermost nature of another is what intimacy is really about.

How do we practice intimacy?

The key to this practice† is being fully present with the other in a way that is non-judgmental and meets them where they are.

One feels heard when you can feed back to them the content or essence of their perspective or what they are saying.  To do this, it helps tremendously to be able to listen for understanding or possibility.  You can hear someone – even if you disagree with their stand or perspective.  It’s as simple as saying to the other “here’s what I hear you saying;” feeding back a summary of what they said; and asking “did I understand you correctly?”

One knows they are seen when you give them your undivided attention – if only in that particular moment.  While you might encounter the other in a role they play in the world – be that a clerk, or a co-worker, or a customer/client, or a loved one – to respond to them as a person (rather than just a role), they inherently feel seen as a Creator.

One feels loved when someone gives us the gift of their presence – especially through being heard and seen.  I heard a distinction a number of years ago that has been extremely helpful at times: I can love you even if, in a particular moment, I do not like you because of what you are doing or how you are showing up.

Intimacy is not a quality of relationship reserved for a particular day or a particular someone.  It is a connection when we meet anyone Creator-to-Creator.

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† Friend and colleague, Mark Jones, CEO of the Integral Wellness group, developed this practice after meeting privately with the Dalai Lama. In that brief conversation, the Dalai Lama pointed out that all people want and need three things: to be Heard, Seen, and Loved. 

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™. 
Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.
To the Creator in you!

Permanent link to this article: http://powerofted.com/intimacy/

TED* Works!™ in Relationships – Part 1

February is the month of Valentine’s Day – a time to celebrate love, romance and gifts of acknowledging the important relationships in our lives.  So, this month, the focus of “TED* Thoughts” will be on applying TED* to relationships.

A while back, I received the following email from an individual who had read The Power of TED* and was challenged to apply it in their primary relationship:

I’ve been re-reading The Power of TED*… I understand and it makes a whole lot of sense, about focusing on the outcomes – the positive.  In TED* you write about changing from the Victim Orientation to Creator. The Victim focuses on problems and what she doesn’t want. While a Creator focuses on a vision or an outcome.

In a relationship, the person who has a victim orientation would see a circumstance that comes up that is a problem, and address it as a problem.  Say it is a recurring problem that the other person continually does (behavior), and the person in the victim orientation gets upset about it and an argument ensues. If the person has a Creator Orientation, this does not make the behavior/problem go away.

The behavior/problem continues. So how does having a Creator Orientation change the circumstance?  If the person focuses on what they want the outcome to be (envisioning a different behavior than the one she is seeing) – then what does one do with that? 

Here was my response:

Your question is a good one – and my response may not be all that satisfying.  The reason is that one cannot “create” an envisioned outcome for another person.  In my relationship with my wife, for instance, if there was a behavior of hers that I deemed as a problem (not that it ever happens in our relationship – LOL!), I could “tell the truth about my current reality” (how the behavior impacts me); share why it is important to me and the relationship; and request an alternate behavior.

However, whether or not she responds to my request is going to be – in the end – up to her.

If her behavior does not change, then – as a Creator – I would need to “see current reality for what it is” (not what I want it to be) and then to explore what my range of choices are in response to the continued behavior. Depending on the situation, it may necessitate setting certain boundaries or disengaging/withdrawing when the behavior occurs. While easier said than done, I would tell her up-front and before the behavior occurs what my response will be when it does happen.

One of the most difficult realities we face in relationships is coming to see that we cannot make the other person in the relationship change.  All we can do – ultimately – is to choose our response to the situation.  You are absolutely correct that adopting a Creator Orientation does not necessarily mean that problems – or, in this case, a particular problem – goes away.  By requesting what we want, things might change and they might not.   This is especially true in intimate and personal relationships.

Adopting a Creator Orientation, unfortunately, is not a panacea for all the challenges we face.  Problems are part of the human experience.  However, we increase our resilience and resourcefulness when we meet those challenges from a Creator Orientation.-

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Permanent link to this article: http://powerofted.com/ted-works-in-relationships-part-1/

TED* Works!™ at Work (Relationship Dynamics)

Last week I introduced an interview with Meg Wheatley, consultant and author, by Art Kleiner, which appeared in strategy+business magazine.  She clearly described the impact of the Victim Orientation and a Creator Orientation on an organization and the work environment.

The problem-focused, fear-based and reactive Victim Orientation is fertile soil for the growing of the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT)™ (first described as the Karpman Drama Triangle).  In such an environment, virtually everyone feels like a Victim, be it to the Persecutor of the economic environment, the competition, one’s “boss” (no matter what level in the hierarchy in which one works), another department or co-worker – and the list goes on.

When the toxic brew of the DDT gets engaged, much time, talent and energy gets consumed by various strategies to protect oneself (i.e. “CYA”), looking for someone or something to blame and hoping-against-hope that some Rescuer will come forward to save the day, right the ship, and make it all OK – and to return things to the “good old days.”

And the good old days are just that… in the past.

If the economic prognosticators are correct, the economic realities we all face and their impact on organizations of all kinds are likely never going back, the “recovery” is likely to be unlike what we have experienced before and, therefore, the way forward is calling for a new way of responding.

Enter TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.

Rooted in a Creator Orientation in which we are outcome-focused, passion-powered and taking action that is creating in nature, TED* calls forth a more resourceful and empowering way of working and relating to one another.

I am reminded of the late Steve Jobs.  While I have not read his biography, my own observation of his resuming the helm of Apple after having been ousted as CEO will serve as an example.  At the time, Apple had lost an enormous amount of its market share and previous leadership had tried the traditional reaction of cutting costs and shrinking the company.

Instead, (again, this is my “armchair observation”), rather that continuing the problem-focused and reactivity of his predecessors, Jobs focused on what could be created.  The result, initially, was to introduce the I-Mac (along with the unheard of features of different colors of the case).  As the company took Baby Steps forward in service to innovation, over time it introduced I-Tunes, the I-Phone and the I-Pad, along with upgrading its computer offerings.

Legend has it that Jobs could certainly be, at times, a Persecutor in his response to others.  However, consistent with TED*, he also served as a Challenger, asked the provocative questions of a Coach (e.g. “What wants to be created?) and was an exemplar of a Creator.

By cultivating and gaining competence as Creators, Challengers and Coaches, we can respond to the challenges we face in our organizations by shifting our focus from reacting to creating.

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Permanent link to this article: http://powerofted.com/ted-works-at-work-relationship-dynamics/

TED* Works!™ at Work (Orientations)

Note: This “TED* Thoughts” begins a new series that will run throughout 2012.  Each month will focus on a particular aspect of life in which to apply TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)™.  This month it will be at work – and work can be in any kind of organizational setting.  In addition, each week will be focusing on a different facet of the TED* framework.  I hope you enjoy this new format!

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A friend and colleague recently sent me an interview with Meg Wheatley, consultant and author of a number of books (including one that had a profound impact on me: Leadership and the New Science: Learning about Organization from an Orderly Universe [Berrett-Koehler, 1992].  The interview by Art Kleiner appeared in strategy+business magazine.

There were many, many quotable statements, several of which I will share in this and later “TED* Thoughts.”

When asked why perseverance is important, she replied:

“Everyone is working harder, and in most cases, in greater isolation. The current pace of work and life, along with increasing fear and anxiety, make it more difficult to have the energy and enthusiasm to keep going. Years of good efforts have been swept away by events beyond anyone’s control, such as the economic crisis or the natural disasters of the past decade…”

She later added:

“In most companies, we do not have (and I believe won’t have for the foreseeable future) the money to fund the work that we have to do. Leaders have two choices. One, they can tap the invisible resource of people who become self-motivated when invited to engage together. This approach has well-documented results in higher productivity, innovation, and motivation, but it requires a shift from a fear-based approach to a belief in the capacity of most people to contribute, to be creative, and to be motivated internally. Alternatively, they can continue to slash and burn, tightening controls, and using coercive methods to enforce the cuts. This destroys capacity, yet it is the more common approach these days.”

When challenging realities face us, the default of most individuals is to “go reactive.”  In other words, the default is to seek protection in the false hope of the Victim Orientation.  In this way of thinking, interacting and taking action, we put our focus on the problems confronting us, which engages our anxiety and fear that then fuels reactive behavior.  That reactive behavior is usually some form of “fight, flight, or freeze” and leads to the types of actions Wheatley describes.

But there is another more empowering and resourceful choice that faces leaders and everyone in the workplace.

By adopting and committing to a Creator Orientation, we actually increase our capacity to rise to the challenges we face and to take action that can still move us forward and gain the higher engagement, productivity, innovation and motivation of which Wheatley speaks.

In a Creator Orientation, our focus is on the envisioned outcomes that we want to create.  Placing our attention on what we want to create then taps the motivational power of our passion which propels us to take the Baby Steps to move toward and accomplish the outcome(s).  The actions we take inevitably still include solving problems, but we are much better equipped to prioritize and choose the problems to tackle those that are in service to our vision.

As you face whatever your particular challenges are in your organization – as a leader, a team member or an individual contributor – by remembering to focus on what you want to create and tapping the inner motivation to go after it, you are stepping into the Creator role of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic).  Doing so will contribute to the effectiveness of yourself and those around you because we know that TED* Works!

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Permanent link to this article: http://powerofted.com/ted-works-at-work-orientations/

Testing New Blog

As you may know, we here at The Power of TED* have made a Fresh Start with a website design among other things this year. This blog post is simply a test to see how the new bits are working. If you are receiving this haven’t seen our new site yet, please do come over and take a peek. We’d love to hear your thoughts!

Permanent link to this article: http://powerofted.com/testing-new-blog/

Fresh Start

Welcome to 2012!  The beginning of a New Year is an opportunity for a fresh start.  (And speaking of fresh starts, notice the new “look” of “TED* Thoughts” and check out our new website!)

Chances are that the majority of blogs written this past week – like this TED* Thoughts – are focused on resolutions, goals and intentions for the year ahead.  Rather than focus on specific plans and objectives, I invite you to join me in the following framework within which such outcomes can be created:

  1. Let go of the past – It can be helpful in preparing for a fresh start to review what has come before.  If your year had been like mine, it has had lows and highs; breakdowns and breakthroughs; failures and successes.  That is the nature of the human experience.  Learning from experience is an important part of being a Creator.  Retain the lessons learned, reconcile the past to the past, and turn your attention to today and the future.  For some, letting go of the past requires practicing forgiveness (for more, see the December, 2010 “TED* Letter”).
  2. Set your Orientation – Adopt a Creator Orientation.  Focus on the outcomes you want to create.  Tap your passion for creating and for the possibilities that call to you.  As friend and colleague, Abby Straus, shared in a New Years Day email, “The future doesn’t come to you. It comes through you.”  In addition, as a Creator, choose your response to the circumstances that arise in your life.  You create through the choices you make.
  3. Co-Create – You cannot not create.  You also cannot create without some form of collaboration – seen or unseen; physically, mentally and/or spiritually (for more, see the January, 2011 “TED* Letter”).  As you take action in manifesting your outcomes, interact with others through the roles of Creator, Challenger and Coach that make up TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic).  Create by harnessing Dynamic Tension: envision outcomes, tell the truth about current reality, and commit to taking Baby Steps toward your vision.
  4. Reflect on your experience – As you work Dynamic Tension and take Baby Steps, pause to reflect on what is working; what is not working; and what you are learning.
  5. Acknowledge contributions – As you co-create, recognize and express gratitude for successes, forward progress and the support you receive from collaborators (whether seen or unseen).  And acknowledge and appreciate your own role in achieving outcomes.

May this framework help you in making a fresh start in creating your future and the best year ever!

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“TED* Thoughts” is published weekly (at least most of the time). It is intended to offer reflections and applications of The Power of TED* in order help facilitate a shift in worldview and relationship dynamics from the Karpman Drama Triangle (or what Ted calls the Dreaded Drama Triangle [DDT] ™) to TED* (* The Empowerment Dynamic) ™.

Please help spread TED* through sharing this “TED* Thoughts” and by contributing your own thoughts by posting a comment.

To the Creator in you!

Permanent link to this article: http://powerofted.com/fresh-start/

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