One of the purposes of the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)™ work is to adopt ways of thinking and relating so that you can create what you want in life and work, rather than simply reacting to what new drama arises each moment.
In the last few essays, we have said that asking “What do you want?” is a powerful first question on the empowerment journey. Yet many people avoid reflecting on what they want in life or in their work. In many ways, reacting all day long is easier as we just deal with what comes “at us.”
Where do you start on the question of “what do I want?” if you don’t know what you want?
In our own work and life, we often say, “Let’s start where we are” when we begin the creating process. That seems obvious yet when we get triggered and pulled into the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT)™ it is natural to want to be somewhere other than exactly where we are.
For example, the Persecutor inside of us might say: “I should be somewhere else. What’s wrong with me?” The Victim part of us might say: “I wish I were somewhere else because I don’t like it here.” Rescuers often say: “Since I don’t really like where I am, I think I will go shopping, or have a drink, or veg out on the couch and watch TV all night.”
It takes great courage to see yourself from the vantage point of exactly where you are. It is common to hear participants in our TED* workshops say that it is easier to react by blaming others or complaining about what’s wrong with their current situation than seeing “what is.”
When you start from exactly where you are, you begin the journey toward empowerment. If not, an enormous amount of time and energy will be wasted on minimizing, blaming or wishing it wasn’t so.
The TED* roles of Challenger and Coach are very helpful at this point. The Challenger is the “truth-teller.” Rather than persecuting, the Challenger sees the starting point as it is, without blame or judgment. The Coach says, “Ok, given where you are, how might you move forward?”
When you stop the internal blame-game of self-criticism, thinking you should be somewhere other than where you are, you will access the energy to take a step forward. There is always a gift in the space of where you really are, if you just allow yourself to see it.