Working with people stuck in a Victim Mindset can be exhausting and infuriating.  When they have a problem, they often prefer to complain or blame rather than focus on a solution.   They cope with life by thinking there is some force outside of them that prevents them from taking charge of their life.

We are not writing about being a victim of a tragic event, which is true victimization.  We are referring to an attitude or outlook that limits a person’s ability to respond to a situation, another person or event.  We call this pattern of thinking the Victim Mindset.

The Victim Mindset leads to the Dreaded Drama Triangle® (DDT) and its roles of Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer.  The Victim Mindset is the thinking behind all three roles of reactivity and drama.

The good news is that you can greatly influence someone to grow beyond their Victim thinking.  However, sooner or later, you must face the fact that you cannot “make” someone else change.  For the person really stuck, here are a few suggestions that will help influence them.

Drop the Victim Label

“She is such a victim!  Dealing with her takes so much time.”   If you or others put someone in the Victim box, anything they say is likely to be viewed as evidence of their Victim thinking.   To connect with this person, stop being overly self-righteous about how they are ‘such a victim’ and you aren’t.

Instead, shift how you see them.  They are Creators in their own right, whether they act like it or know it themselves. If you can believe—-and really know—-that their true essence is that of a Creator, you will start treating them differently and may very well be surprised at the potential it has to encourage them to also know it for themselves.

Connect Rather Than Collude

There is a misconception that to connect with someone stuck in the Victim Mindset you need to share your own Victim story.  This approach encourages people to “one up” each other, trying to amplify their story more than others.  Instead, reach out with compassion and let them know you understand their feelings and complaints.  Suggestions might be:

“That must be difficult.”

“I understand your frustration.”

“I hear what you are saying about….(fill in the blank).”

Listen for Their Commitment 

What possibility has this person given up on?    Ask:  “What do you really care about?”  They may not tell you at first because they may not know! Being stuck in the Victim Mindset means they may have experienced life through the lens of what they don’t want, rather than what they do want. 

Support Action 

Don’t give advice.   When a person with a Victim Mindset seeks advice, it is often because they want someone else to take responsibility for their life. They may want you to be a Rescuer and are looking for evidence of your attention.

Instead, ask them to identify one Baby Step they can take.   Do not suggest what action they should take even though it may be obvious to you what they should do.  Be patient.  Once they select an action step, work with them.  Set a time for follow-up and make sure you keep that commitment.  It will show them you care, while increasing the chance they will follow through.

Express Confidence    

By refusing to give advice, you reinforce that you believe they have the power to solve their own issues.  You can encourage accountability with an occasional check-in via an email, or text, “Hi, curious about how things went with that Baby Step you committed to.”

Remain patient and hold the tension of not knowing how their action will turn out, while expressing confidence.

We All Need Support from Time to Time

Transforming the Victim Mindset is a journey and may take a while.  Remember, you are learning to work with someone stuck in the Victim Mindset because you really want to support that person—-not judge or fix them.

You, too, may need the same support one day.  We all move through the Victim Mindset from time to time.  Practice most what you want others to do for you.