We have both struggled with asking for support and letting others help us. What we have come to realize is that when we resist asking for support, we may be stuck in the Rescuing role, focusing solely on the needs of others and out of touch with our own needs.
It’s not pretty watching two Rescuers trying to “one up” each other by being overly pleasing but not allowing the other to help.
The unconscious assumption when playing the Rescuer, is to support everyone else so it doesn’t occur to them to ask for help. You may secretly believe that others will appreciate or love you more if you help them. You might also think that if you can’t fulfill all of your own needs, there’s something wrong with you so asking for help is out of the question. Deep down, the viewpoint of Rescuers is that it is their job to fix the world rather than address their own needs.
When in the Persecuting role of the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) it can also be hard to ask for help but for a different reason. Persecutors want to stay in control of the situation. If you ask for support you may get information that doesn’t fit your plan, so it’s better to not ask in the first place and risk getting information you don’t like. Plus you may think that asking for support may make you look weak—-the last thing a Persecutor wants.
People stuck in the Victim mentality don’t really ask for support or help either. Instead they look for a Rescuer to fix a situation and to-do for them what they could do for themselves. It may appear they ask for help when they are really relinquishing their power and responsibility for what is theirs to do.
Not asking for help or support is a common issue for anyone stuck in the DDT. The rationale behind not asking for help may be different, but the pattern keeps all three roles trapped in their reactive ways of being.
In order to shift into the TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)™ roles of Creator, Challenger and Coach, it is essential to gain insight into your limiting beliefs that may prevent you from asking for support. Here are a few questions to ask yourself. Do you:
- Assume that others should be able to read your mind and know what you need or want?
- Assume that you should know what others are thinking or experiencing (for instance, assuming they are too busy to be bothered) and, therefore, don’t ask for their input or support?
- Criticize yourself or apologize for asking for help?
- Feel exhausted or isolated because you resist asking for support even though your plate is full?
- Become angry or frustrated when others ask how they can support you?
Does one question resonate with you more than another? If so, stay with the emotion that surfaced and see if you can access what unconscious belief you have that keeps you from asking for support.
If you resist asking for help or support, you may not see yourself as a collaborator on equal footing with others. This keeps you separate and unable to live and work with others as Co-Creators. It also may say that you feel you must “go it alone,” which keeps you disconnected and will eventually drain your inspiration and passion.
We are all partners in the creating process. We invite you to take note when you resist asking (and receiving) help from others. When you notice your resistance, start asking for help in an area that isn’t threatening to you. Sit back and allow others to support you. We believe you will discover that your resistance will gradually fall away and you will be ready to more fully embrace an empowered life.