The last few weeks we have shared the “many faces” that the Rescuer takes on in the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT)™. Once we recognize the subtle qualities of the Rescuer, we can now choose to shift into the more resourceful and empowering role of Coach in TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)™.
When we refer to Coach in the TED* framework, we are not necessarily referring to a professional coach (although that may be the situation). In TED*, the Coach is the antidote to the Rescuer who jumps in to save the day, hoping for love and fulfillment when others recognize their good deeds.
Instead, the Coach believes that they and others are capable and do not need fixing or rescuing. By using the art of inquiry and curiosity, the Coach co-creates the next incremental step toward increasing clarity and getting closer to, or clearer about, what they or others really want. Here are just a few of the qualities of the Coach:
- Sees that others are resourceful, creative, whole and complete;
- Meets others where they are, while paradoxically nudging them to reach for their highest potential;
- Is fully present and attentive;
- Uses authentic curiosity to ask powerful questions;
- Is open to endless possibilities and the mystery of the unfolding process;
- Listens for what is being said as well as what is not being said;
- Embraces not knowing or needing to have the right answer;
- Is at ease in conversations and doesn’t work hard, nor strives to be right or look good;
- Partners with others to co-create forward action and continuous learning.
These qualities apply to how we relate to ourselves as well as how we relate to others. For example, when we meet a stressful situation and feel victimized, we may look for a Rescuer to relieve our anxiety. Or when relating to others, we might be quick to rescue a situation or others, to feel needed and worthwhile.
By shifting from Rescuer to Coach we can interrupt those drama-filled patterns. Rather than viewing the situation as broken, Coaches see the possibility and ask; “Where is the clarity here?” or, “Where is clarity lacking?” and “What is the next most powerful step to create what we say we want?”
Next time you feel the need to rescue others or yourself, stop, observe, and use the art of inquiry to consider new possibilities. You may be surprised at the empowered new options available to you.